#cause right now I feel like all I’ve been attracting is negativity

[rosicheeks]

😬

[gordontheengineswifenirmal]

The asexual struggle -

When it comes to the ‘are we LGBTQ+’ question, a lot of us asexuals have complexities far beyond the label, or multiple associations.

Let’s start at the beginning. For folks who are traditional LGTBQ+ - do u remember how hard it was to get to the limited, tepid (to say the least) level off acceptance that you have today? Asexuality in general isn’t there yet. We are still a few decades behind in the society’s mind. We share a lot of similar struggles - we are seen as broken, people think we choose who we are, than can/want to/should be ‘fixed’, etc. we too have dangerous negative associations attached to us. We get called paedo, we are called prudes or incels, we are told we can and should change. Society needs to understand that the lack of attraction, and/or lack of desire, resolution, etc. - and everything in between deserves just as much recognition as this who have heterosexual, or lgbtq+ sexual identities.

What puts us behind? We are rarely even acknowledged. We are the red headed stepchild, sort to speak. No one really knows us, or our struggles, they don’t care. They think we are a joke. It’s incredibly hurtful and damaging. We are frequently overlooked and misunderstood. We are often not taken seriously, and frequently ignored by both straight and other other non straight folks. We have fighting within our own community that causes confusion. This still does not give anyone an excuse to invalidate our existence. We, just like anyone else, didn’t choose it. Some folks struggle with it. Some of us have learned to embrace it in the wake up struggle, but there is usually struggle. Additionally, some folks can be both lgbtq+ AND some form of asexual. (In my case, I like male characters who are not human or animals. Apparently I’ve developed a thing for male machines lol.)

For some folks, the LGBTQ+ identity has more relevance. That is ok, as long as they have sincere intentions, and aren’t looking for attention. Yes, using sexually/gender identification for attention - that is a thing, and it’s been a thing for ages. For me, the label doesn’t mean so much. I don’t even really say I’m queer. I’m definitely unique, and I’ll stick to that. This does not mean that I feel there’s anything wrong with those who do identify more with LGBTQ+. I’m still an ally. I’m not going to hate someone who decides I’m not part of that greater label. I do take extreme offence with those who ‘bingo’ me, and invalidate who I am, or think I’m not serious about it. Worse yet, the ones who think I chose to be asexual, or decide they will ignore how I feel because they don’t know what sexuality is, and don’t care to open up their minds and learn. Then there are those who pretend to be asexual because they are trying to gain something from you, and it’s not clear wtf their intentions are. Or, sometimes it is. Still cringe.

However, in many aspects of society, there’s an unspoken social competition - men vs. Women, sexuality vs sexuality, culture vs culture, religion vs religion, political affiliation vs another political affiliation. There is some relevance behind the reasoning for some of these, but not all. Some of it has become an ego game. This behaviour is toxic. It does not good for anyone involved. It simply persuades prejudice and ignorance. Education, and the willingness to learn is paramount. This was said about the lgbtq+ community, and still is. The asexual community is now saying the same. This is what we are penultimately asking for. We want to learn how to be more recognised, more accepted in society, and given our rightful place. We agree that the mindset of ‘heterosexual is the only healthy identity’ is wrong. Please do not treat us like we are the enemy, especially when we are sex/romance repulsed. We seem gain the most eye rolls - both from within and outside our own own ace sphere. It’s a tiring argument, and we need to spend that energy toward more productive things, working together to help make things better for all ‘minority identities’. Even if u don’t identify with someone else’s sexual identity, respect it. That’s the most important thing. You would want that too. You wouldn’t want to be treated as a joke, as if your sexuality doesn’t matter. Don’t do this to others. This includes all of us in the asexual community, no matter what that may mean for us individually.

[the-secret-narnian]

I was looking for some cutesy mileven fanart on twitter and stumbled across an artist I follow being homophobic towards bylers, so here’s a rant.

This whole thing probably won’t be very organized at all but this shit got me actually upset and I’ve been a silent member of the ST fandom for so long now and I have the urge to address this crap.

TW: I’ll be showing two prints that showcase clear homophobia

This is the first print I found when looking trough my notifications, I didn’t really think anything of it at first but with the context of another tweet, this one, posted by the artist themselves, makes it very clear that the intent behind this repost was not to talk about fetishization of queer people but to be hateful.

I don’t think I really need to elaborate on what is wrong with this one

The main problem here is not the homophobia (even tho it is a HUGE problem that I’ll also address separately later) , but the fact that this person, and multiple other within this and other fandoms, keep justifying their prejudice behind shipping.

I have seen so many people saying the most awful stuff to try and prove that their ship is the “right one” or “better one” or anything similar to that. I’ve seen misogyny, homophobia and ableism just by looking trough the byler/mileven tags here on Tumblr.

It is not okay to be aggressive and hateful just because you have a disagreement with someone over something as simple as shipping, and it’s even worse to involve shipping in your hate.

If you are going to be a bad person, just do it. Don’t try to pretend to be above that because of who you ship. Acting like that not only will make you look bad for being homophobic and trying to excuse it, but also helps with the negative stigma over ships.

When you do that type of shit, you are actively giving a bad name to your ship and harming other shippers who didn’t do anything.

This kinda of behavior is what results in the “bylers are ableist” and “milevens are homophobes” discourse, because “how can you say that it’s not true when it is happening before our very eyes”.

By acting like this you are causing aggressive behavior within the fandom to worsen, you harm yourself, the people you are being prejudicial towards and other fans.

Do you dislike the ship and not want to see stuff about it? Filter the tags, mark it as “non interested in this” and most importantly DONT INTERACT.

Don’t go commenting on someone’s edit because you think your ship is better, don’t go around talking about how “X ship sucks because-” whatever the reason is. By doing that you are inevitably spreading hate and making more content of that ship appear to you.

I can’t tell anyone to “not be homophobic” because that is something that people need to do for themselves.

It’s not just about being super straight forward with the prejudice either.

What I believe to be the case with a lot of homophobes is that they are incapable of understanding that they are causing harm to the LGBT+ community even if they don’t “technically hate it” and are just “not supportive”

You don’t have to be actively saying stuff like “all (respective slur to whatever minority it is) should die!” A phobia is not only to hate or be scared of something, but a general aversion towards it with no rational reason.

You can’t just “not support it” because you are just trying to make yourself look and feel better about something you know is wrong. By “not supporting” queer people you are also not supporting people’s rights to be themselves; sexuality, gender and romantic attraction are not a thing that people can change, it is a part of you.

You can claim that you just disagree with their life choices as much as you want, but in reality it is just as bad as any other prejudice. Racism is also about people not having the rights to be who they are and live normal lives.

They are both equally awful.

I won’t be accepting any comments claiming that one is worse than the other, because pain is not something to be compared. Both have caused great suffering and deaths of many people across the years

I won’t be diving any deeper into the racism discussion because of I did I would have to get into how people treat Lucas and Erica in comparison to the other characters and I have already seen a great post diving into that topic (I’ll try to find it and link it in the comments if anyone is interested)

I will also be adding, the don’t interact thing also counts for proshipping content. Most proshipping accounts are from people doing rage bait and it is common knowledge that many problematic people thrive with attention, don’t hate, don’t DM, just report it and block them.

I also won’t be going deeper into this topic cause it brings many discussions on what’s okay and what’s not when it comes to fictional content and how it affects people, and if were to say everything I thought of the topic this rant would be just a book.

I really had the need to write this down after seeing those tweets because I am a queer mileven shipper and I just hate that I have to be associated with people like that because I think Mike and El make a cute couple.

I just really want our fandom space to be more pacific, fighting and being disrespectful towards people because you think fictional character A would be better with C instead of B is silly and makes the fandom experience worse for most people.

I like to live by the principle that you shouldn’t say anything if you don’t have anything good to say, and I believe we could all have more harmony if hateful people kept the hate to themselves.

This goes for other fandoms other than Stranger Things too.

TL;DR: Shipping different characters is not a justifiable reason to be an asshole to anyone.

Edit: I just realized I wrote “tumblr” instead of Twitter, so sorry for that I am sleep deprived 😭

[headfullof-ideas]

All right, i decided on a whim to share a rough reference i use in my head of what teenage Ant looks like. Depending on what story or AU I’m writing a teenage Ant for, his appearance changes, but for this one we’ll say it’s my ‘canon’ version of him. Rather, the teenage Ant I have in my head following my internal interpretation of the canon timeline as it takes forever for new seasons to come out, but that I make sure to update as we get new seasons. Also involving a lot of my headcanons for him, most of which explain certain things about either his appearance or mental health, cause our boy is TRAUMATIZED.

Ant is about sixteen to seventeen here, the typical age for teenage main heroes. Except he has already been through being the main hero and is a little sick of it. Or maybe a lot sick of it. A few years prior to where he is in the drawing, the prophecy ends. After defeating the Monumentials and saving the earth from what would have been a devastating rampage, Ant tried to pretend that everything was okay and normal for a while. You know, blocking all of his trauma and acting like nothing’s wrong as is the norm from teenage protagonists. After a while though, Ant realizes that his lifestyle was never really normal to begin with. Ant has a bit of a metal breakdown, not on par with the one Alpheus had or anything, but he has a meltdown when trying to go back to his normal life fails and he realizes he wants a break from everything. From all the families missions and all the adrenaline they experience on a weekly basis and all the danger he hasn’t realized he’s experienced for a majority of his childhood. Fontaine feels guilty for being so proud of her little brother wanting to do normal, not-submarine things, and so Ant starts his own little journey of doing things beyond the titanium hull of the Aronnax.

Now that I’ve gotten the mini bio, or whatever that was, done, time for the headcanons!

- Ant joined his sister in begging their parents to let them try land school, and ultimately Kaiko and Will caved, due to everything the family had just been through. Fontaine went straight to high school while Ant did a year of middle school due to age before moving to high school, with both kids using Kaiko’s maiden name at Ants request. This was because while Ant didn’t hate being a Nekton and was proud of his name, he didn’t want to attract any sort of attention at all. Fontaine wasn’t immediately thrilled by it, but didn’t complain either.

- Ant ended up growing his hair out a bit, and started wearing a beanie as well. He’d alternate how he wore his hair, sometimes keeping it back but usually having it in a sort of half-up half-down style. Mostly because he didn’t want to try to hard with his appearance, and wanted to try something a little different to what he used to wear all the time. (I usually draw adult Ant with longer hair too)

- Ant got his ears pierced when he was fifteen, deciding on a whim that he wanted to. Fontaine was the one who ultimately took him, leaping at the opportunity. He still wears his communicator all the time, but Fontaine convinced him to try a few other bracelets as well.

- After Ants meltdown, he decided to try and separate himself from most of his childhood as much as possible. Not necessarily in a negative way, but more in a manner of trying to find stuff outside of submarine life. Ant felt he didn’t have too many hobbies outside of anything that came in handy with working and living on a submarine, and so started trying out all sorts of activities to find other things he liked to do. This was another thing Fontaine was eager to jump on board with. He still goes out in the Shadow Knight, and he still loves swimming and working on the Aronnax with Kaiko, but he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing these things as he did when he was younger.

- Another aspect about Ant trying to branch away from submarine life is his clothing. He didn’t wear casual clothes too much as a kid, almost always wearing a wetsuit. As an older teenager, Ant doesn’t wear his wetsuit too much anymore. He has one, and he does use it, but not nearly as often as a kid. He tries to focus on finding a style he likes, which Fontaine is also ecstatic about. Doesn’t always agree with what he picks out, but she’s super excited nonetheless

-As Ant gets older, he starts to develop some more of Kaiko’s features. Ant always felt, to me, like someone where you knew he was Kaiko and Wills kid, but you never saw any similarities until you put him right in between his parents. As Ant gets older though, he starts to lose baby fat and looks a little more discernibly like his parents, especially Kaiko whom he subtly looks more like in regard to facial structure. (Fontaine is, like, a perfect blend of her parents in my opinion. Ant somehow looks exactly like and nothing like either of his parents in the show)

- Ant starts to develop a bit of muscle as a teenager. He’s not Will, and never does get that muscular, but he’s a teenage boy and that sort of thing just tends to happen to teenage boys. He’s still fairly active as well, which helps. His hair also gets a bit thicker because of puberty, and a tiny bit wavy. Not enough to be actually noticeably though, at least until it gets humid out.

- Ant didn’t grow too much between the ages of twelve and fourteen, but then started shooting straight up at fifteen. Will jokes that it’s all the growth spurts he missed in his early teenage years hitting him all at once. This however leads to Ants usual perfect balance due to life on sea being royally screwed up as his center of balance continues to change makes him abnormally clumsy over the next few years until he stops growing so fast at eighteen/nineteen. Being so clumsy leads to a few accidents, like the one that gave him a scar in his eyebrow. Ant usually doesn’t tell people how he got the scar, cause it’s embarrassing to him after spending so long on the ocean. During a summer between school years, the Nektons were on the Aronnax, and Kaiko just gently tipped the Aronnax into a dive. Nothing Ant shouldn’t have been unable to adjust to with ease. Instead, he slid on the floor, lost his balance, and went tumbling down the hall and crashing into a random room with an unfortunate door open where he wound up twisting his ankle, breaking his nose, and cutting his eyebrow deep enough to scar.

- In line with the prior note, Ant has some scars from all the adventures his family has been on. Fontaine does as well, and these only drive home how desperately they want to experience some sort of normalcy, despite still loving their life on the Aronnax.

- Ants clothing style tends to reflect his mental state; how well he’s doing, if anything’s bothering him, that sort of thing.

I’m sure i have plenty other headcanons, but my brain’s struggling to focus on anything new, so here ya go.

[evan4ever]

Hi. Loved your last fanfic so much and wanted to request smt. You are in a relationship with evan and in the last couple of months you didn’t have any sexual contact with him. One day you plan a romantic night and confront him with your desperation and recommend something new you both could try. He likes the idea and yeah. Hope you like the idea 🥹💕

Please

Warnings: insecurities, mentions of cheating, being ate out, p in v penetration, lighter smut

a/n: I kind of switched it up a bit, I hope you still like it! 🤍

—

The atmosphere between you and your boyfriend, Evan, has been off lately. Not your relationship in general, you still hugged and kissed and cuddled and it all felt right, but Evan seemed less than interested in any further action. It’s been months since he’s last touched you intimately, since he’d deepen a kiss even when you tried so hard, he never seemed to notice when you’d wear shorter shorts or cleavage-revealing shirts, he didn’t even acknowledge you when you stripped naked and tried to recommend him taking a shower with you. You felt at a loss and you were desperate for him. You couldn’t even stop the negative feelings and thoughts that began consuming your mind.

Was he not attracted to you anymore?

Did he not want you anymore?

Was there someone else he was giving all the lacking intimacy to?

What we’re you doing wrong?

You laid in bed tonight after being denied affection from Evan who was in the living room watching a movie. He had told you he was too tired and “maybe later” when you tried to initiate wanting some affection. The immediate tears in your eyes made you back off and go lay down where you now snuggled into your comforter and allowed yourself to cry into your pillow, not wanting him to hear you or see what he had caused. You didn’t want to make him feel bad, you knew he was busy with work and that it was exhausting at times. But the last few months of receiving nothing even when you tried so hard was enough to take a toll on your confidence. You didn’t know what to do anymore.

You raised your head to look out your bedroom door when you heard him in the kitchen assuming putting together a late dinner, rolled your eyes at the thought and laid your head back down. You noticed your white pillowcase was stained with your mascara from your tears as well as under your eyes and your cheeks, but you didn’t care anymore.

“Babe? I’m making this frozen lasagna, do you want some?” You heard him call out to you but you stayed silent and in bed hoping he’d think you’d fallen asleep, but heard him call out again. “Baaaabe?” You groaned and threw the covers off of yourself and made your way out to him, considering you were a little hungry yourself. He smiled when his eyes landed on you and you only sent him a quick half smile and sat at the table while he put the frozen meal in the oven.

“Sorry, I should’ve made it earlier. I forgot.” You said quietly while you watched him. He waved a hand and shrugged.

“Late meals are fun sometimes.” He smiled as he made his way to the table and sat across from you, only now noticing your smeared makeup and seemingly weak body language and furrowed his eyebrows in concern. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

You nearly glared at him in disbelief when he asked, wondering if he truly didn’t see what was going on or if he just didn’t care. He seemed sincere, reaching across the small table and taking your hand in his and giving it a squeeze while he waited for you to answer, but you weren’t even sure how to go about this.

“I-“ you started and glared even more, retrieving your hand from his and sitting straight in the chair, him mirroring your action wondering what’s gotten into you. “What’s wrong? Really? You don’t.. I don’t know.. you don’t think it might have something to do with the lack of affection and intimacy you’ve been giving me? I mean you don’t see how hard I’ve been trying to get you to touch me somehow? Seriously?” You scoffed and shook your head looking away from him. You felt bad, but you needed something from him. Acknowledgement, at least.

“Y/n I told you I’ve been exhausted lately.” His face dropped, not seeing why you’re so upset about it. “I didn’t realize you’ve been trying so hard I’m.. im sorry.”

You knew he was trying to make it better but it only made you feel worse, it made you feel invisible to him. You were at a loss of words, wondering if it was even worth it to continue having this agonizingly hard conversation.

“I mean.. Ev? Are you not.. attracted to me anymore? Do you have no desire to.. touch me, at all?” He quickly shook his head and opened his mouth to deny what you’d just asked, thinking how absolutely insane you must be yo think he’d ever stop being attracted or wanting to touch you, but you started again before he could speak. “Is there someone else?” Your last sentence came out in a squeak as your eyes filled with tears again, quickly wiping them away as soon as they fell.

His eyebrows shot up and he sat wide eyed at your question now. “Baby no. No god no.” He stood from his chair across from you and sat at the one next to you, turning you to face him. “No, I promise you that isn’t the case. I… I only want you. I fucking love you y/n.” His voice held more sincerity and a slight tint of hurt that you’d actually think that, but he quickly realized that it was his own doings that caused you to think such a thing. “Babe I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel this way. I would never intentionally hurt you or make you feel less than what you are. You are everything to me and more. Of course I’m attracted to you and of course I want to touch you and be intimate with you. I’ve just been so busy, I wasn’t realizing I’d been denying it from you.”

“But it’s not just about denying me Evan. Do you not want it for yourself either? Do you not crave it sometimes just like I do? I don’t get it and I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m dying to feel you and it hurts me.” Your eyes burned into his with such seriousness that he had to look away from them, looking down at his hands that were grasping yours.

It’s not that he didn’t want it, his job and his schedule, interviews and events — they were all adding up and he was exhausted, like he had said. He wanted you, he just had to find time and he understood that wasn’t fair to you.

“I do. I do want it babe. I’m so sorry for not focusing on you and engaging in you. For making you feel this way. It’s not true at all, I promise you.” He squeezed your hands reassuringly, your eyes flickering down to them then back up to his gaze that was on you again. You stayed quiet for a moment as you contemplated your next words or move.

“Then please…” you whispered out desperately, trailing off not wanting to pathetically be rejected again but hoping he would get it.

And he did, wasting no time in grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you to him crashing his lips on yours in a deep, passionate kiss. This was the most you’ve felt of him in months, your arms instinctively wrapping around his neck and him pulling you to your feet with him. His hands scooped under your thighs and lifted you up, carrying you to the kitchen counter and setting you down, his hands then roaming every inch of your body while yours reached down and helped him pull his shirt off. He quickly connected his lips to your neck pulling your body against his with an arch of your back, leaving perfect marks down to your chest while your head fell back to grant him more access. He pulled your own shirt off and his hands were right back on your waist, gripping tightly, finally feeling his own desperation for you.

You were filled with so many emotions, desperation, need, the frustration and hurt you felt before dissipating into pure lust and a hunger for the man you’ve been dying to be intimate with. It felt better than you’d remembered, his lips and hands on your skin while yours were all over him, probably because you’d never been this horny or needy before. You knew you wouldn’t last long, and neither would he.

His mouth was currently on one of your tits, sucking and piping around your sensitive nipple while his other hand trailed down your stomach and began playing with your waistband.

“Evan…” you breathed a moan out, your hands entangled in his dark hair. He opened his eyes and looked up at you, never taking his mouth away from your nipple unless it was to switch to the other, sure to give it the same attention. You moaned again as he held eye contact, the sight nearly making you explode right there. “Please babe, I need you. I need to feel you inside me” you squeaked out, your eyes shutting and head falling back again. He quickly parted his mouth from your chest and pulled his sweatpants down, not wearing any boxers under, and you took the chance to slip your shorts off.

Without warning, be hooked your legs over his shoulders and immediately delved into you pussy, a loud gasp leaving your mouth as your hands went back into his hair. He licked you up and down, flicking your clit with his tongue a few times before fully eating you out. He didn’t stop, even when it was overstimulating your throbbing heat, only wrapping his arms around your thighs and holding you in place while he tasted as much if you as he could, you breathing uneven and multiple moans and profanities leaving from your mouth.

“Evan, fuck I’m going to cum already” you panted out, looking down at the beautiful picture in front of you. “I can’t take anymore” you groaned, him only looking up to meet your eyes as he continued tongue fucking you and playing with your sensitive bud, sending you over the edge. Your back arched as you hit your climax, pulling at his hair and cursing some more in high pitched squeaks. He slowed his tongue down as you rode out your high before letting your already shaking legs drop and placing himself between them again.

“Fuck..” you cried out quietly as you caught your breath. He grabbed your cheeks in his hand and made you look up at him, your eyes meeting again and finally feeling the spark you have missed between them.

“You are all I want and more, okay? You never have to question yourself, ever.” He reassured you, pushing some of your hair back from your face. You smiled lightly and let out a relieved breath, nodding to him. He returned the nod knowing you believe him and understand, then let his hands drop your waist again and grip them, pulling your ass closer to the edge for easier access.

You watched as he lined himself up with your entrance before slowly inserting himself into you, both of you moaning out in pleasure while his forehead fell against yours. After a few slow thrusts, he allowed himself to speed up, fucking you harder and so desperately, never wanting to let you go and let you feel like this again.

You gripped his back, holding onto him tightly while your head rested now against his shoulder. You dug your nails into him earning you a beautiful, throaty groan from him, a sound you’ve been dying to hear. You smiled against his skin as he continued fucking you, his arms wrapping you up tightly and your legs wrapping around his waist. Realizing you were reaching your second climax, you bit down into his shoulder and maimed into it and felt his thrusts become sloppier and uneven as he reached his climax, his hand quickly making its way in between your bodies and reaching down to rub your clit again to be sure you’d orgasm the same time as he did.

“You’re so… fucking.. beautiful..” he groaned out, your eyes fluttering shut as he pushed you over the edge and sending himself over with you. Another gasp left from you as you crumbled in his hold, your orgasm stringer this time than before and feeling him let himself go inside of you.

“Oh god Evan” you sucked a sharp breath in as he thrusted a few more times before sliding out, still holding you to be sure you wouldn’t fall.

“I love you.” He whispered, pecking your lips then your forehead, your eyes closing again as you relaxed in his hold, feeling satisfied and safe. “I love you, so much.”

—

@evanpetersmood @witchsbitchestime @demxnicprxncess @yes-divine-ruler @shjjpm @evanpsrealwife @iruzias @jangsuzchap @quicksilversg1rl @submissiveforahsmen

[absideon-ephemeral]

Sky | Bucky Barnes

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: The sky is always changing. Never the same twice. But it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone.

Warnings: ANGST, slight gore, descriptions of blood and death. Violence. I want to make someone cry (probably myself). Language, not a happy ending.

A/N: First off, y’all shocked the hell out of me. 1k+ likes on Dog Tags?!?! Thank y’all so much. I was inspired by the book Strange The Dreamer to write this.

The sky is ever changing.

Never the same twice.

The sunrise is always different and so is the sunset.

Nothing is ever the same when it comes to the sky.

And nothing will ever be the same for him either. . .

It was supposed to be an easy mission. A simple take down. But when has anything ever been easy for any of you?

It started when Sam received word that a new group of extremists were forming in Madripoor. It was small, a rag-tag Flag-smasher wannabe group. They preached the same message: those who survived the snap were forgotten when the rest came back and deserve the same help as they did. Not wanting to repeat the whole situation over again, Sharon (who had yet to come out as the Power Broker) contacted Sam who then contacted you and Bucky to help solve this rising problem. After a quick debrief from Sam, you three were boarding a plane (courtesy of Sharon) and off to Madripoor.

From there, the rest seemed like a blur. You remember suiting up and the debrief, locating the exact place. You remember the ride there, sitting alone in the back seat while Sam drove and Bucky rode shot gun. You remember looking out the window as you drove on, the sky a pale gray; the kind indicating a storm coming in. You remember Bucky calling your name, asking if you were okay. You nodded, not letting on to the growing unease within you.

It was a fairly short ride. You parked a distance away as to not attract attention. When you finally snuck up on the building, your unease turned to dread. The rag-tag group chose an abandoned steel mill as their hide out. That meant all sorts of sharp metal pieces were probably lying about. Now you had to worry about those kind of hazards as well. As you three snuck over the wrought iron fence, mindful of the sharp spikes on the top, drops of rain began to appear. Your feeling of dread increased the closer you go to the building.

“Guys, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” You moved into position to breach the door. Bucky and Sam glanced at you, concern flashing over their faces. They knew you, and when you say you have a bad feeling, majority of the time you’re right.

Bucky glanced back at Sam. “She’s right. Something’s off. It’s too. . .quiet.”

“Look, we’ve got to take out these guys before they cause too much trouble. We’ll just have to be more careful. We’ll watch each others six and the minute we see something too dangerous we’ll pull out, okay?” Sam replied. You and Bucky nodded, understanding that this was something that had to be taken care of.

You three breached the back door, already suspicious that no alarms had been triggered. You three moved along the bottom floor, weaving in and out of old machines and metal. It was quiet. Too quiet. Your thoughts were racing - either they’ve relocated or all hell is about to break loose. Just as you three moved out from under the second story balcony, the latter came true. You were the first to see it, the glint of polished black metal moving above.

“Get down!!” You barely had any time to yell before figures popped up from above and began raining down bullets.

The three of you were forced to split up, taking refuge behind machines. You couldn’t see either of your partners and you assumed they couldn’t see you. The bullets pinged off oft the metal as the people above kept trying to get a better shot at you.

“Are either of you hurt?!” Sam yelled through the comms.

“Negative!” Both you and Bucky yelled back. The bullets paused a moment - reload time. You took this as your opportunity to pop up and and take a couple shots, downing a few of them. You only managed to shoot three before the bullets began again. One managed to graze your left arm as you ducked down.

“Shit!” You press your hand to the graze, palm coming back bloody.

Bucky frantically called your name through the comms. “What happened, did you get hit?” His tone was frantic and laced with worry.

“Just a graze. Took down three of them. How you two holding up?”

“Can’t get a single shot in,” Bucky said.

“Neither can I. I’m deploying Red-wing.” Sam deployed the little robot and had it zooming around the room, hitting people with small little bombs or electrical charges. Between you and Red-wing, most of the people were either dead or incapacitated. All except one.

That single person took off running, ending their gun fire and allowing you three to get up.

“Split up! We can’t let him get away!” You yelled. Before the other two could protest, you were on your feet and sprinting after the criminal.

Your blood was pumping. Heart racing. The criminal was sprinting, almost inhumanly fast. You had to dodge machines and steel and objects thrown in your way. You managed to get all the way to the third floor when you lost sight of him. Coming to the end of a hallway, there was a split. A 50/50 chance you would either catch this guy or not. A curse fell from your lips.

“Sam, Buck, you got eyes on our guy? I lost him on the third floor. Don’t know if he circled back around.” You kept glancing back and forth from your left to your right. Straight ahead of you was a window out looking the fence you crossed over earlier. The rain had stopped and the sky began to clear its way into the beginnings of a sunset.

“Negative on the second floor,” Bucky replied.

“Nothing on the first either,” Sam added.

You sighed. Weighing your choices. You were just about to turn back around when you caught movement out of the corner of your eye.

They were fast - too fast. You barely had time to block before they were swinging at you left and right. When the shock finally wore off you began to fight back. Trying to match their pace but beginning to fail. You went to kick, but they dodged and your step faltered.

Big mistake.

The criminal used this to his advantage, grabbing you by the neck and slamming you against the glass window. You couldn’t breathe right. You tried to gain leverage but just couldn’t. Your comm has been knocked out and effectively cut you off from help. He slammed you against it again, and again. The window began to crack and spider. Your adrenaline rose with the noise and with a newfound strength, you managed to get your legs up and kick him hard in the chest and groin. Stunned, the man let’s go, and you drop to the floor, gasping for breath.

But the fight isn’t over yet.

He straightens, you scramble off the floor, and the dance of death begins. Both of you were exchanging blows left and right: dancing in an intricate circle to live. You turn again, your back to the window. And that’s when your bad feeling came true.

All it took was a moment of hesitation.

A moment where Bucky came skidding around the corner and into the hallway to your left.

A moment where he yelled your name.

A moment to turn your head and take your eyes off your opponent.

And then you were through the window. Shattering glass as the man drop kicked you straight through it.

For a moment you were weightless. Like time had stopped and you were floating in the air surrounded by bits of glass.

But then gravity kicked in.

And you were falling.

Normally a three story fall wouldn’t be so bad. You would end up with a few broken bones or minor injuries that could easily be healed (thank you advanced tech). But, that’s only if you land on straight ground.

No one said anything about an iron fence.

The grief on Bucky’s face as he stood in the window and the pinkish hue of the sky were the last things you saw before your body suddenly jerked and everything went dark.

And Bucky, your poor, poor Bucky, saw it all.

He shot the guy down a second after you went through the window, racing to the edge to see if you would be fine. But he too, forgot about that wrought iron fence. He was helpless. He could only scream your name as you fell to your death. His cry of anguish could be heard all throughout Madripoor as your body collided with the fence and on one of those sharp iron spikes. It went right through your chest - the force of the landing snapping your spine, ensuring a swift death.

He backed away from the window, slowly, and once he could no longer see your body, he ran. Down to the first floor, past a confused Sam (who ran after him), out the door, and to you.

He hoped it was all just some bad dream. You looked too beautiful to be dead. Even as blood ran into your hair and dripped down the fence you still looked beautiful. Your body was arched over the iron: back curled and arms open wide as if you were rejoicing. The spike sticking straight out from you chest and glistening with dark blood. Your eyes open yet dull. He stopped right under you.

Sam, the poor fool, had heard his partners screams and followed him when he ran past. He was a few paces behind Bucky, slowly walking out to meet him. As he approached, his stomach sank.

There you were - beautifully arched over a iron fence, covered in blood, and a spike through your chest. Sam felt sick. Just a few moments ago you were running and shooting. You can’t be dead.

The same thoughts were running through Bucky’s head. He just saw you. You had looked at him. You were alive and fighting mere seconds ago.

But now you were gone.

Bucky called your name softly, tears beginning to silently fall. He approached the fence and placed his hands under your neck and at the small of your back. He painstakingly lifted you off the fence, the wet squelch from blood sounding as he did. He made it but two steps from the fence before collapsing with you in his arms. His hands and arms were now soaked in blood. He kept calling your name, begging you to wake up. Sam slowly approached and kneeled in front of him.

“Buck,” Sam called softly. Tears began to fall down his face as well.

Bucky shook his head. “No, no we can still fix her. Call an ambulance or something. We can still help her.”

Sam said nothing. Only staring at his partner holding the love of his life in his arms. Upon hearing no answer, Bucky lifted his head, bloodshot eyes meeting Sam’s.

“Sam do something! Please, please help her. Sam, please,”

Sam could do nothing but shake his head. She was gone. Nothing could help now.

A gut wrenching sob tore through Bucky and he curled around you, laying his head in the crook of you neck, trying to keep hold of what little warmth your body had left.

The two boys sat, one silently crying, mourning the death of a partner and the grief of his friend; and one furiously sobbing, clutching the dead body of his love.

As the two sat in the abandoned steel yard, the sky gave away to a beautiful sunset. One with oranges, purples, pinks, and reds.

Nothing was the same for Bucky since the day you died.

And the sunset began to haunt him, reminding him of you arched over the fence with a beautiful sunset behind you.

No, nothing will ever be the same.

Especially the sky.

[ari-kari]

hey. gnarly gender stuff below. wouldn’t recommend reading if you are triggered by gender doubt, detransition, sexuality, negative body talk, and surgical malfeasance. oh and also light gore. sorry it’s going to get kind of weird

so I’ve been quietly stepping away from id’ing as trans for a while now. which is a subject that probably needs its own post, all things considered. but there’s one aspect of my (de)transition that is causing an enormous amount of stress in my life, and I’m genuinely not sure how to handle it. so I figured blabbing about it here might help me get some clarity.

anyways. let’s talk titties.

my first top surgery in 2022 was botched. dog ears, massive janky nipples, bizarre incision site choices - it was a whole deal. I got a revision last year (from the same surgeon lmao) that fixed a lot of things, but unfortunately it made other problems significantly worse. So while aesthetically things are much better than they used to be, I still consider myself to be botched. I haven’t taken my top off in public since it happened, and I don’t see myself doing so any time soon.

For a long time, I assumed that this was my only problem; some asshole small town doctor had messed up my results, and now I felt uncomfortable in my body. But it slowly began to dawn on me that things were more complicated than that. Because when I imagined myself being intimate with someone with perfect, stellar top surgery results…I still felt horrible. To the point where, even with nipple prosthetics, I haven’t felt comfortable enough to have sex since my revision 9 months ago.

So now we get into the crux of the problem. Which is this - I do not feel desireable without breasts. Not to myself, and not to others. And to be honest, I knew this would be a problem even before I got the surgery, but I went through with it anyways. Because desireability is small potatoes when it comes to the horrors of gender dysphoria, right? In my mind, I was being vain to put my intimacy concerns over the pursuit of my “true self”. Everyone with dysphoria had to “fix” it eventually - I couldn’t just not get top surgery.

But like…fuck, dude. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten top surgery.

I prefer my body without breasts. It feels much more “me”, especially when I’m alone. But I don’t feel hot. I don’t feel fuckable, or beautiful, or attractive. And I’ve been trying to chip away at it in therapy, but I haven’t really put much of a dent in it, and it’s bringing up some really hard questions that I no longer feel capable of ignoring.

Honestly? My confidence in my sexuality is a big fucking deal to me. I’m someone for whom intimacy of all kinds is really important. And even though I know that there are PLENTY of people who find flat chests attractive, I personally do not. And it’s seriously starting to fuck with my head.

Idk man. Insurance is able to cover reconstruction for me due to a federal loophole, but there’s no way in hell they’re going to fix my jacked-up nipples on their own. And I’m seriously beginning to question if a little gender dysphoria might be worth the relief of finally feeling confident in my own skin again. I have a consultation appointment in June, in either case. So in the mean time, I just have to…figure this out. No biggie.

Anyways, that’s my spiel. I’ve been wearing prosthetics for a while now and tolerating them fairly well, but I recognize that having something physically attached to you is a whole other ball game. So we’re just gonna keep on trucking and see what happens 🫠🫠🫠 either way I have a funny feeling that the “perfect” answer I’ve been seeking to this problem does not exist.

[gossipgirloff1]

hi, so this will be a long post so sorry about that 😅

but with all the talk about red flagui, i also want to point out some stuff about lando. as a fan, i’ve noticed way more things because i’ve supported him from the start.

one of the first things is just his attitude that can be seen through his choices. like with his merch, it’s so expensive and the shipping fee is crazy, which makes it hard for me to buy his merch. compared to max, his merch is more expensive and he rarely has discounts. he’s changed so much to care about the money, which is also why he moved to monaco after he said previously that he wasn’t going to. i just miss his old ways. like in 2020, he donated money to charity and shaved his goddamn head for charity as well as having quite a few helmets for good causes. i sure don’t see him doing all this goodwill with his money anymore. but now, as he’s getting more attention for being with magew and his behavior, it’s clear to see that the fanbase is turning against him because his new merch collection still hasn’t sold out like it used to (it’s preorder though, so who knows.)

another thing is the way he presents himself. he’s lost that bubbly, energetic attitude from his twitch streams back during quarantine and now he’s hanging out with people like red flagui. honestly, people attract similar people. we all know magew’s problematic past, and i’m sure lando is more than aware, but the fact that he consciously chooses to still be around her is giving me the ick. it’s not even a serious relationship either, it’s probably just fwb or a situationship or something. it’s giving pr attention and honestly, the two of them need to stop acting like they’re the shit. like leaving hints is so childish, and at this point, we’re all moving on to something actually meaningful. the only attention they’re getting is negative and they definitely lack the maturity that people like oscar and lily z have. (sidenote: joao is free!!)

i used to be such a big fan of lando and thought he was genuinely a good person, but after the whole red flagui ordeal, i think we all got the ick from him. and don’t get me started on his childish behavior of unliking anything joao likes. joao’s probably giggling while lando is probably fussing over the smallest things. i know he’s probably still somewhat insecure and stuff, but i’m guessing magew’s heels are higher than his standards. he needs to focus on improving himself (maybe starting with better strategy calls with the team) before he should go out and date. in addition, he’s so rude nowadays, like cutting off poor yuki. i dunno, that just makes me feel so bad for yuki-san. “no one was listening anyways” 😭�� like in general, i think he lacks social awareness.

all in all, i think lando cares too much about his “cool playboy” appearance and money. he really just needs to grow up and focus on himself first, because right now, he’s the same as red flagui, almost. they both need to grow up, and lando’s completely forgotten how he used to be, and now he’s so rude and totally different. as a lando fan, it’s so disappointing, especially since he’s been getting good results now. - 🧋

Hi 👋🏻

No problem love to read your thoughts ❤️

[ham-st4r]

NAH IM DONE WITH "ENGENES" (im looking at yall k-enegnes specfically)

WHY THE FUCK IS IT whenever enhypen releases new music, content, at a concert, fuck even breathe that these fake ass fuckers have the need to say something so shit to our boys LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS UR PROBLEM U STANKY ASS BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY ARE DOING SO MUCH FOR US

if they have so much problem just fucking leave man no need to stay. I feel like atp they are just there for the fan service. The day enhypen stops doing that is the day we all have true engenes that can vibe together fr fr.

On god bro like damn I was literally just thinking about that shit these boys are working fucking overtime (I know they chose to be idols) like back to back tours two hour long shows send off soundcheck new music back to back like what more could you want? Not to mention all the other little side projects they do They’re unproblematic but somehow “engenes” still got shit to say? They have been harassed threatened named called and everything else under the sun but yet people still got shit to say it’s outrageous

And fuck don’t even get me started on the member favoritism holy hot damn the fact that people are singling out members and based off looks or fan service really just grinds my gears like I love heeseung with my whole entire heart but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna bash sunghoon or call jay ugly like tf be for real right now

I have zero respect for people who talk about them like that and try to claim their “engenes” not to mention all the weird fan interactions they have to endure but god forbid they meet an engene in Japan and hug them then all hell has to break loose

There’s just so much more I have to say and honestly I could write 10k words on the topic alone

Not to mention people only talk about their visuals like they are more then their visuals they make incredible music and have some of the most unique voices in kpop that I’ve heard but still everytime you see a post about them it’s about heeseung’s visuals or some nonsense (not saying there aren’t post that praise them) but for the most part I really see post about that which in my opinion is meaningless like yes they are attractive young men (I only look at heeseung btw lol) but they are more than that honestly they deserve respect cause they have done nothing but work hard to put out greatness for us so we should appreciate it they’re always active (especially jungwon)

And the fan service and other engenes being jealous of that girl who did the go big or go home dance on the big screen in Dallas I think it was people literally stalked her account and went years back to find out she was saying the N word and they started dogging her for it (I hate when people use that word) but still to drag her like that was scary and crazy all just because the boys watched her on screen I can assure that the fans are thinking about her more than enhypen so I don’t get where all the jealousy comes in from yeah I wish I got noticed on the big screen but I’m not gonna throw hate at someone just cause she did and I didn’t (and maybe that’s cause they did see me in the crowd why I’m not jealous) but even still that’s too far I understand being jealous but not to the extent of tracking someone’s account down thats actually (if it’s true I just heard this somewhere on tiktok I think) but yeah there’s so much to say and it’s all negative I’m embarrassed that I’m even associated with them by being an engene but sadly there’s nothing I can do but like you said hopefully they will leave and the real engenes will have their time to shine

Another way you can tell those “engenes” are just in it for the members is the fact they are selling their vip1 tickets cause it was said there was going to be no send off (saw it on twitter not sure if this is true either) but if it is that’s crazy like why not just show up and support them without being delusional about it and the fact they walked out last year when enhypen was still performing songs just so they could get close at sendoff like come on it’s just embarrassing atp but anything to get noticed right? Even the members couldn’t stop the “fans” from fighting so that’s how you can tell it’s just a crazed obsession but okay I’m done

For now

[polyamorouspunk]

vent / crush stuff / jealousy idfk i was crying and now im pissed

i just got indirectly rejected by my crush *again* and im fucking miserable. and when i say indirectly i mean i did Not fucking initiate this im not like. repeatedly flirting w him or coming on to him despte him saying no. i never really have in the first place. my stupid fucking friends made another joke about us and he made it so clear that the chances of Us are in the fucking negative. Great. not like i didnt already *know* but fucking. great.

sometimes im so fucking resentful of my girlfriend. she realized she liked him after i did and started dating him a few months later which is a *feat* considering hes on the aromantic spectrum. shes just That fucking special i guess. shes white, blonde, oh so fragile, passes near perfectly, feminine, and is conventionally attractive in almost every way. everything i resent myself for not being. everyone and their mother is fucking enamored with her because shes cute and acts all blushy and shit. when *she* has a crush, its not seen as a threat, and everyone wants to help her. i thought *i* could try out the fluttery and lovesick routine for once a few months ago but i had to stop bc talking abt my crush was only causing problems, including the fact that she got jealous abt us being good friends, despite yk *her being the one dating him* :))))))

god i wish i could be content with the friendship we have. i think friendship can be just important as romance or more but thats really hard to actually GET in the real fuckin world because society is so obsessed wih amatonormativity. the one example i had of irl super valuable platonic love was my gf and... someone shes now started dating 🙃. (someone whos made her strong boundaries against romance SUPER clear in the past! but i guess! my gf! is that fucking special!!)

there is no fucking hope for me. i dont even care abt kissing and shit. i just want physical affection and to be valued highly by someone. i want to be able to say i love you. why the hell is that not allowed.

ughh. super long ask. thanks for reading it.

I’m so sorry that sounds awful. Have you tried talking to either of them about it without admitting it’s because you have feelings for him? I mean I would hope that any decent friend/partner would respect if you don’t like any kind of joke they make, in a romantic sense or not.

There’s a reason I’ve never dated anyone else polyam before and that’s been my jealousy issues, so I get the idea of resenting your partner for having something you want but can’t have, and I’m really sorry.

And if you like someone romantically it can be hard to be happy with something platonic, and there’s no shame in that! Because, yeah, as much as we preach that friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, but you’re right how much is that actually the case, as much as we say it should be? There’s a push for it for a reason: it’s not the norm.

I hope things change and get better for you in one way or another.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

"i mean, they were just an anon 😭 saying exactly what the previous anon described. i couldn’t find that ask if i wanted to, but it was like, a WAY too in depth analysis of evan’s exes and which physical traits he must like"

okay! i’m asking about this because i think that it might have been me. i’m not as young as you might think - i’m 20. i sent that ask back in march this year. it was a very dark time for me - i was going through a severe depressive episode that followed a suicide attempt, caused by extremely low self-esteem and extreme perfectionism that made it impossible for me to function normally.

back then, i had a terribly unhealthy obsession with evan to the point where i completely tied my self-worth to him and what he might find attractive. i obsessively analyzed his “type,” carefully examining the phenotype he might potentially like in women. i fixated on frances’ beauty, and every time i looked at her, i felt like i was dying inside because she became my ideal of beauty, something i desperately wanted to achieve. it hurt me to think that evan noticed her even though she wasn’t actually famous, but she was beautiful enough for him to be in a relationship with her. around that time, evan also started dating natalie, which just confirmed my suspicions about his potential preferences regarding female beauty.

my thinking back then was heavily influenced by confirmation bias. i created an image in my head of what kind of appearance evan liked, and i hated everything about myself that didn’t match that ideal. it was because of evan that i dyed my hair blonde (although that was much earlier). the thought that i could be the kind of girl evan peters might like was what kept me going. despite being conventionally very pretty, my self-esteem was at rock bottom, and it destroyed me from the inside.

now, looking back, my heart breaks when i think about how much i suffered over something so trivial and insane (because that’s probably how it sounds to all of you). fortunately things are sooo much better now - my boyfriend, the most wonderful person in the world, helped me put my life back together. he changed my mindset and my approach to life, helped me focus on what truly matters, and saved me in every possible way. this huge progress is, of course, also thanks to professional psychological help and therapy.

i’m still a fan of evan and his craft, but it’s much healthier now. i’ve let go of the unhealthy obsession - his dating preferences don’t keep me up at night at all anymore, and my self-esteem is steadily improving and is no longer tied to him. of course, my mental state wasn’t affected solely by evan peters’s type - it’s a much deeper and more complicated topic than i’ve explained here. i just felt an inner need to vent a little (sorry for that), but i hope this long ass essay didn’t bore you too much admin😭 and i hope that you won’t take this bizarre story too negatively. love you all, and thank you to those who managed to read all of this <3

anon, i don't know for sure if that was your ask being referenced, but i truly appreciate your honesty and candidness in talking about this. you're right that it really boils down to something much deeper than evan and his taste in women, and you explained it all very well. i'm sorry you went through that, but i'm glad that you sought help and are doing better - you should be proud of yourself. it's such a hard thing to struggle with self image and self-esteem, and the way those feelings manifest in day to day life. you're right that it isn't trivial at all, and your message didn't bore me. take care anon. 💗

[mxtxfanatic]

Heya! I saw your posts on 2ha, and I’m curious – did the latter half of the novel influence your opinion of Mo Ran much from where he is at the beginning of the Mo Ran 2.0 arc? I’ve read a little over the first half of 2ha, and despite experiencing the 2.0 version of Mo Ran and being spoiled about what caused him to behave the way he did as Taxian-jun, I still really can’t bring myself to like him much. I think that the sheer degree of vile behavior he exhibited before and - more saliently for me - the way he still routinely reminisces on the things he did to CW even in the 2.0 arc is what’s making it hard.

It was certainly easier to accept his transformation into a better person knowing how constrained he was in his previous life, but it felt deeply incongruent to still read him reminiscing on how he forced CW through a very erotic lens while ostensibly being a better person. I very much believe that it’s never too late to decide to become a better person, even if your actions had previously been entirely under your control, so it’s not that I think he can’t or shouldn’t be redeemed. It just kinda felt like he doesn’t fully internalize how messed up it was to hurt CW to way he did? He did have that period during CW’s death where he had this grief and regretti arc, but his day-to-day feelings on his past sexual actions towards CW didn’t actually seem to change much beyond not wanting to continue hurting him. Even though he’s in love with him and very attracted to him, wouldn’t he have some sort of negative reaction to dwelling on memories where CW was just being hurt or chemically coerced instead of finding them sexy?

Reason I ask is that if that gets better as the book goes on, I might go ahead and finish it, but right now I really struggle to support their relationship. Just wanted to hear how other people came to fully accept Mo Ran in the chance that I might be able to see what everyone else does. Thanks!

So the thing about being able to accept Mo Ran’s transition from 0.5 to 2.0 is that you have to actually read it. There are 3,500 pages in the main story, and all of it is used to show this transformation of his character. Being spoiled to why he acts the way that he does doesn’t do justice to seeing how he eventually changes.

I don’t know exactly where you stopped in your reading, and I read 2ha early last year so it’s not the most recent read to me, but the Mo Ran 2.0 that I read most definitely struggled with his attraction to Chu Wanning, knowing his past actions towards the man. Yeah Mo Ran desires him, but his only experiences with sexual desire are violent, and a good like 1,000 pages is dedicated to him thinking that it is morally wrong and also physically impossible to love someone both romantically and sexually because his former (younger?) self could only express his interest (warped by ____) in cwn through sexual violence. He very much so looks on his past sex life with cwn with extreme guilt and regret. And this isn’t even getting into the fact that cwn thinks that his memories from the other world are actually just kinky sex dreams, so he doesn’t have this same dilemma, and also, he isn’t the cwn who experienced all those things.

The story convinced me of this couple because Mo Ran’s character growth was believable to me, his desire to atone for his actions fit his character, the cwn he eventually gets with is not the cwn he treated terribly, and both cwn’s forgave Mo Ran for believable reasons as well. You can choose to stop where you are, anon, or continue reading to the end; I don’t know if the narrative will convince you as it has me. But the sexual relationship of ranwan is most definitely a sight of emotional tension, conflict, and growth for both characters.

[adleryoung]

As I stared at the ceiling, I remembered Vernier telling me how every time she tried to help someone it always ended in disaster. I recalled what I said to her then, that she had only focused on the negative and forgot about all the times she had successfully helped people. If she could see me right now, she would probably repeat my advice back to me. As much as I would have liked to stay in bed and wallow in self-pity, I could in fact recall plenty of times when I tried to help someone and it didn’t spiral into disaster. Most of those were trivial and small in scope, but it proved I wasn't as cursed as my moping mind would like to believe.

The argument outside began to increase in volume - or was that just my head starting to clear? Either way, I needed to intervene. I had caused this problem (abetted by Burnside being too excited to give me a chance to object) so it was up to me to set things right. Plus, now that a potential love triangle had been established, I had to make sure that Burnside wouldn’t do something typically Burnside-esque involving knives and her romantic rival. I took a deep breath and sat up in the bed.

"Your Lordthip!" Basil objected. "Thould you be getting out of bed tho thoon? It’th only been an hour and you looked like you were nearly mauled to death by a wild animal."

"You were also mumbling in your sleep," Harriet added, "about things that sounded very distressing."

"I’ve survived worse than this," I rasped, my voice still raw. "And you needn't worry about my nightmares. Elves do not need to sleep often. When we do, the subconscious runs rampant. I must get out there and calm those two down before something bad happens. You youngsters had best stay in here until you hear the All Clear."

I stumbled to the door and opened it to see Rebecca and Burnside in the midst of a shouting match.

"He was screaming his head off the entire time," Rebecca bellowed, "and you never once thought to stop and make sure he was okay??"

"That’s normal!" Burnside insisted. "Every mel I ever treated to my super-special brand o' Wiles an venery has screamed with pure unbridled ecstasy!"

"Ecstasy or terror?" Rebecca demanded.

"Is there a difference?"

"Who on Earth uses a dagger for venery?? Did you even once ask him if he was okay with it?"

"He’s a grownup! If he wanted to stop he coulda said so!"

"How was he supposed to do that when there was a knife at his throat??"

"It was only there half the time!"

"Yeah, and the other half you were using it to -"

I tried to firmly clear my throat to get their attention, but only managed to produce a thin, wheezing cough. Both femmes turned to look at me in surprise.

“My lord!" Rebecca exclaimed. "Are you sure you should be out of bed so soon? You sounded delirious when we tucked you in.”

"I’ll be fine," I assured her. "Let me say right off that although it may look bad that I had venery with Burnside right after you left, it was in no way reflective of my feelings toward you, nor a deliberate spurning of your affections."

"Well, yes," Rebecca interjected before I could continue. "I was a little upset about that, but what infuriates me more is the fact that Burnside nearly mauled you to death."

"Your concern is appreciated," I affirmed, "but that is something I must discuss with Burnside myself. Now that she is officially in the employ of the Imperial crown, there are codes of conduct she must adhere to."

I gave Burnside a stern look, and was surprised to see her flatten her ears against her head and look remorseful. I only recalled seeing her like that when she was under the influence of some Unseelie narcotic, and when I threatened her with fearsome punishments.

"She told me that you made her your concubine," Rebecca continued. "Does that mean-?"

"As High King, what I have decreed stands. I find you quite attractive, Rebecca, but for the time being it would be a gross abuse of my position as your teacher and mentor to act upon my baser impulses. What has happened today was just unfortunate timing. We shall discuss it further when everyone’s temper has cooled."

I could feel the tension lift after I said that. Why then didn't I feel any better? Rebecca still looked unhappy, but she wasn't angry anymore. Burnside looked embarrassed and mildly ashamed. I would need to spend time with each of them one-on-one later. How did my predecessors keep up with whole harems of Floozies? Just these two were difficult enough! But somehow, surprisingly it seems I actually managed to calm them both down. We had a long journey ahead of us, and hopefully there would be time on the road to have a good talk with each of them.

[sheismo]

ꕥ Things I’m working on BIG right now. ꕥ ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

➩ “Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.” - T.Harv Erek

I must stay locked in & focused on my self preservation.

➛ Ps : I thought I’d share & it’ll maybe help someone else on their self growth journey. This is solely a post for me to hold myself accountable & to motivate others. These objectives are meant to be used to create a better quality of LIFE & to form a deeper understanding of self. My use of the term “we” to make the context relatable

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 : 𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝑷𝒐𝒔𝒕 !

Take what applies. ✓. ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ꜱʜᴀʀᴇ. - Mo ❁

❍ Actively listening & observing more + controlling responses & avoiding conflict.👂

- We sometimes speak too much and already have a response before someone else is done speaking. I have recognized this is toxic behavior in my life. I’ve been committed to allowing people to speak .. “digest it” & then respond. Active listening is important and allows quality conversation. Also by being more “quite” & being a good listener we’re able to analyze situations better for ourself & others. Speaking vastly can cause conflict & raw emotions.

✵ We must observe our surroundings & watch the energy(body language,tone & ei.)of others and reflect on our own energy too. Observations can help with decisions making & recognizing the quality of ourselves & others. We must know who is & isn’t for us as we observe as well iykyk.

❍ Acknowledging self character flaws & insecurities. 🪞

- We sometimes get so wrapped up in our ego we forget how detrimental it can be to our character,spirits and lives. It can literally change our perception of others and how we see life/world. We are mirrors of our spirit. Negative talk & judgment stains our souls. One’s negative thoughts and words are mostly the reflection of their own insecurities. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I have committed myself to stop negative talk of others and about life in general. I have begun replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. No, you cannot control every thought it or every word you speak but correct yourself both mentally and verbally. Switch topics in conversations too if necessary.

❍ Remaining teachable. 🧠

- Educating yourself is key to success. We sometimes shut down ideas & concepts before seeking our own knowledge. We also sometimes can get cocky when we feel like we have acquired knowledge others have not. There’s goes that stank ego again lol. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I’ve committed myself to staying teachable. This goes hand and hand with actively listen & observing. Being around the right people or being at the right place at the right time may help you obtain a great quantity of knowledge. I am committed to being open minded & getting a deeper understanding of things that intrigue me.

❍ Breaking habits + creating a routine & staying productive. 📒

- Being late. Going to bed whenever. Eating whatever. Laying around excessively . Allowing work & chores to pile up. All are toxic traits. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I’m on a mission to improve my morale. I want to be on point and on schedule as much as possible. And no each day my schedule won’t be the same but I want to feel like conquered the day at the end of each day. I’m committed to feeling confidence in my daily productivity & discipline. To get things done by keeping my word to myself is important to me right now. Being extra about what your putting in your body or what you’re in need of to better yourself daily is OKAY. Having good time management,eating better,journaling,meditating ,praying & exercising has been proven to be beneficial for a better quality of life & attracting good things. I’m also trying to find hobbies that feed my interest & imagination. I’m in the process of creating my muse. 🧚🏾‍♂️

✵ Staying locked in with productivity and breaking toxic daily habits is a KEY component to self preservation. You begin to see your life transform externally. Staying determined will shows your willingness for growth.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

✵ Learning communication skills,code switching & having confidence in words & your essence is important as well. You’ll be able to knowledge in certain settings.

❍ Having grace & understanding.⭐️

- We sometimes shutdown & become cold when it comes to other people. We tend to become so harsh and manic when we’re trigged. We allow our emotions and triggers to control the essence of our interactions and relationships. It’s a lack of emotional intelligence & our egos,yet again put us in uncomfortable situations which uproars both our minds & hearts. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I am committed to giving people grace and having a more understanding heart. I’m taking nothing personal. Now,this doesn’t mean I’m just letting g anything slide or just being forgiving of every little thing. Nope. ✘ What I mean is that I am understanding that we are human. We all make mistakes & nobody is perfect. Reflect on times you were in the wrong & reminding yourself that you too needed grace at times is what gets you here. I’ve come to an understanding that must people haven’t done any self “work/healing” so their actions and words don’t match up to their true feelings & heart. Most importantly someone’s words and actions should not interfere with your growth & life. If someone’s words and actions are making you mishandle your emotions consider parting ways. I am learning the importance of forgiveness for MYSELF & learning to set boundaries if necessary. It’s beautiful to have no enemies or hatred towards anyone . It’s beautiful to feel kindness in your spirit.

❍ Expressing gratitude & thinking positively + enjoying the fruits of labour.💐🌹

-We are sometimes so ungrateful and too suck on what we don’t have and what we need in order to feel fulfillment. We complain and stress over things excessively & it makes us unhappy with our lives even when have so many things we should be thankful for. We are too critical of ourselves. We nitpick everything & don’t giving ourselves the credit and love we deserve. We also over work ourselves & become too consumed with our day to day lives. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I am committed to expressing gratitude to anyone who supports me & of course the most high. I’m understanding that everything in life doesn’t have to be perfect & I don’t have to have everything I want & need to feel satisfied. I must appreciate the small and simple things. Comparison to my old life instead of other people’s lives has been my REMINDER of how good I really got it although I don’t have it all yet. Expressing gratitude is good for my mental health as well. It keeps me humble & grounded in my blessings. I’m a firm believer that expressing extreme gratitude allows your blessings to relish profusely. I am also committed to taking days off,going on vacation,doing self care & just basking in my blessings. ✨

[thehmn]

A few months ago I had a conversation with a rather famous Norwegian comic artist who’s only partly out as queer at the moment so I’ll leave their name out, but we had an interesting conversation about the word queer and what it means to people who only have English as their second language.

To give some context, they are a non-binary person who is technically bisexual but think of themselves more as a lesbian because they were assigned female at birth and largely dress in feminine clothes and is only interested in having a relationship, sexual or romantic, with women but has the capacity to be attacked to men.

If people ask me what my gender/sexuality is I’ll just say cis straight female because I largely look and dress female and is only sexually attracted to men, but if you want the ridiculous detailed version it’s intersex, assigned female at birth but with no strong gender identity, biromantic demisexual, masculine attracted, and the fact that I’m intersex and therefor look, sound and act more masculine than most women does have an effect on the men I’ve had sex with because as one guy put it “I know it’s a weird thought but it kinda feel like…a quarter gay”. But nobody wants to listen to all that.

I have a close asexual friend who was assigned female at birth and goes by she/her but wants to look like a man so is now on testosterone and had a mastectomy and at this point look and sound so male people sometimes just refer to her as he/him without even asking because even though it’s still very obvious she was born female and dress in women’s clothes people just assume she’s trans. She doesn’t always correct them because it feels awkward but it has caused trouble because her old friends still call her she/her (we’ve all asked and told her to tell us if that changes) and if we call her that in front of people who call her he/him they can get angry with us because they assume we don’t respect her. But like she told me “I don’t know what to call myself because I want to be a woman who looks like a man”

None of us really feel we fit in an easily defined category, which makes queer such a wonderful word to us. While we are aware that it is sometimes used as a slur, we mostly know it from old British tv shows where it’s used to mean “odd” at worst. “Look at him eating only apples for breakfast. He’s quite the queer fellow”. It’s like the word gay to us. We know it has been used as a slur but that hasn’t made it a bad word to never be used, and honestly we don’t know what else to call ourselves.

We could take one thing about ourselves and focus on that like intersex, asexual and non-binary, but that would neglect all the other stuff and place us firmly in a box with expectations that doesn’t fit the rest.

So while we understand why “queer” is like nails on a chalkboard to some, to “odd” people like us queer feels just right and doesn’t have the same negative feelings associated with it that some English speakers might have.

[astertimberwolf]

In light of recent events and after 3 long years of taking accountability, I have made the decision that this will be my last re-blog about this past mistake that has kept haunting me for so long.

I am not proud of the recent mess I have caused, but I took a gamble with fate to heal from some of my own trauma, as well as confront my worst nightmares and inner demons... And it paid off. I survived and healed, despite shit hitting the fan full-force.

I know who I am, I know where I messed up, what I did wrong- that the damage I have caused cannot be undone, no matter how hard I try to make things better... But I am not an evil person. Nor am I a criminal, a stalker, a predator, “as bad as a murderer”- or any other bad names under the sun that I’ve been called by the person I hurt- or that I have been subconsciously beating myself up with (minus “stalker”; never was one, never will be) for the past 3 years.

I am sorry they see me that way, but I also cannot stand by idly anymore and let people treat me like garbage... like they did. Hurting doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor of my own traumas, mistakes and terrible life choices, which I have tried to make up for to the best of my abilities.

Yes, I am a highly autistic idiot and socially inept. I am a deeply flawed person, who still bears many emotional scars and mental health issues, but I have accepted that. I’m still working on my own emotional regulation skills, communication skills- and on becoming a better person, but I’m finally getting somewhere with all this.

However, despite what the person I’ve hurt and everyone around me may believe... No, I have never groomed them. I had legit feelings for them back then, when they were 17 and a half. Feelings- which led me to some of the dumbest decisions I have ever made, because I lose any form of rational thought when I fall in love.

It was really rough to get over said feelings, but after a year and a half from the original incident and the last attempt at direct contact, I got over them. The only thing that lingered was the pain and knowledge I had damaged someone in a way that I myself would have thought of as irredeemable. I’ve been subjected to the same exact trauma myself, just many times worse. All that kept tying me to this mess- making me obsess over my mistake and eating away at me from the inside, was me having a conscience and feeling the guilt in full: of having added to someone else’s trauma and damage with my misguided attempts at helping- combined with my idiotic (at the time) love-driven terrible choices.

That’s all it was- and all it will ever be… And I won’t be gaslit into believing otherwise, because guess what? I’m not attracted to people younger than 18 (hell, even below 25 sounds too young now. Your brain isn’t even done developing until then). The mere thought of that makes me want to throw up. It made me sick back then, when they first confessed to me, when they were only just 17- and it still sickens me now. I legit only caught feelings when they got older- and wasn’t able to draw any boundaries (my biggest mistake) since the very beginning of our friendship (when they were still 16). I paid a huge price for listening to my heart instead of my head and my gut, but that has to end. The guilt has to end. The self-loathing too. I cannot hate myself anymore for this mistake- because I have a life and so many better things out there, waiting for me, that I want to do... as well as friends. My entire close friends circle knows about this, how much it has affected me. They have watched me struggle with depression, with drug addiction- and they too, want to see me find joy in being alive again.

This doesn’t mean that their (the person I’ve hurt’s) trauma and negative feelings are not allowed to exist. Both things can be true at the same time. My actions have done real damage because they mimic or resemble the pattern of behaviour of a predatory individual on the surface- therefore validating their trauma and mistrust; and—while having had the best of intentions—my idiotic, situationally unaware, socially inept self- can have agreed to dating them at 17 and a half, with a year of (perhaps inappropriate) friendship pre-dating their own initial confession, due to catching feelings myself after initially rejecting them, out of the worst possible reasons (subconscious patterns of familiarity).

Thing is, while everyone else has always been hyper-aware of this topic, of the inappropriateness of this type of contact and closeness with an older teen, of the power dynamic thing I didn’t understand- I had grown up avoiding most social media, sheltered and culturally isolated (partially due to my own social anxiety, stemming from past bad experiences on social media as a younger and older teen), made to believe by my very incompetent parents and other unaware friends + people from different cultures and upbringing that, as long as I loved them, it was okay for me to date them at that age. I have put myself in a position where no matter how much I apologise or try to take accountability and try to make things better, I’m always made out to be the bad person, the evil predator, the individual to be shunned and hated... and there is no way out from that. That was- and will always be my fault. I could have informed myself better, I could have left or never accepted their advances, but I caved in- wanting to feel what it was really like, to be loved by someone you fall in love with. I had never had anyone return feelings of that intensity and nature before... and now it’s just a twisted, revolting memory of how I have essentially hurt someone who was still a kid at the time.

It’s hard to tell if falling into drugs was a consequence of my entire life being a collection of unbearable amounts of suffering, or if it was due to this... In all honesty, it mostly feels like this was the last thing that pushed me over the edge- and now that my physical health has suffered as well, I have been pushed into sobering up, and quickly at that. I owe myself some self-respect and self-love. No more self-inflicted pain.

Now that I have addressed these issues, this heaviness I kept carrying inside of me- the notion that I was scum, lower than the lowest of humans and would never amount to anything good... it has lessened. Because I realised it’s not true. I have been successful at helping a lot of other people- at healing myself, at finding some semblance of good will in me, despite all the hurt and endless hardships life has thrown at me, one way or another… I have always come out on top. Not as a winner, but as a survivor- as a wiser and more mature version of myself.

You can only grow from making mistakes... and you can only heal once you confront all of the pain. You can’t run from it- or repress it and pretend it never happened... you cannot run from yourself, from the repercussions of your past choices, but you can accept that you did some really f*cked up things- that you hurt others and that you’ll try to be a better person from now on.

For this exact reason, I also want to thank the person I hurt (as weird as it sounds). I know you'll never read this now that we've gone our separate ways for good, but you have released me from my burden- from copious amounts of suffering and trauma that were both related and unrelated to this. You have inspired me to do better. My only leftover regret- is that it came at the expense of you suffering damage from my actions, past and present.

You do not forgive me and I fully get it. I wouldn’t either if the roles had been reversed... You felt wronged and traumatized by someone you thought you had feelings for, someone you thought you could trust... and even sought some kind of parental comfort from, which you were lacking in your own life. I saw us as equals back then but we were far from that, with you seeing me that way. I'm going to skip the dumb hindsight saying, but I see it now more than ever before.

I want you to know that I forgive you for all the hurt that you have caused me, both back then- and now that I have disappointed you again. You are still on your healing journey, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. I can see through you, because I used to be like you. It’s why I get you... and I don’t hate you. I never will. You will never be my enemy- and I will never be yours. We will just be strangers to each other. Bad memories stemming from bad life choices- but as I have said in my last words to you... I don’t love you anymore either. The past is in the past. This is my way of existing, of letting go.

Ruminating / Brooding is a normal thing people do. It’s not part of any mental illness. It’s merely a by-product of having deep regrets and unresolved negative feelings attached to a situation where the person doing it is powerless to change things for the better. It is unhelpful in the long run as it just leads to an endless, vicious cycle of self-loathing. I’m generally just a little slower at letting go and moving on compared to neurotypical people, due to my autistic self, anxiety and stubbornness (rumination is worse in people with autism and anxiety), but that doesn’t make me beyond hope or evil- or any other bad thing you’ve called me. It only makes me human (as ironic as that is considering my alter-humanity / Otherkin identity).

I hope we both find professional help eventually. We could all use a therapist for our collective issues… With this, I will now permanently close this chapter of my life and go back to feeling better and being better again.

I won’t forget the important lessons I have learned- and I won’t let this get to me anymore. I am free.

Warning: this might be a hard and long read, but I highly recommend for you to go through with it- especially if you intend on following or befriending me. Below you'll find a 3000~ words long confession (minus the tags), which never fails to kill my appetite... So make sure you're not eating anything if you intend to press on.

Here are some of the reasons I distanced myself from the RWBY fandom and anything Whiterose related for years:

• Disenchantment with the show and its writing after Miles and Kerry were left in charge (with Kerry being the only one left now, if I remember this correctly)

• Excessive identification with a fictional character (Weiss Schnee)

• Previously undiagnosed mental health issues

• Idolization of love and over-romanticization of a life I could never have

• An unforgiving, toxic fandom and a boatload of bad experiences

• The fact that a person I irredeemably & irreversibly hurt still roams —and has become big within— the Whiterose fandom

• Relationship messes IRL that kind of relate to —or were the result of— the excessive identification and escapism I was engaging in through RWBY and Whiterose specifically

• All of the above leading to enough guilt, self-hatred and generally negative feelings around a ship I used to love that I could not bring myself to write another fanfiction ever since

• Life & university keeping me busy after I got help and worked through some of my mental health issues

...

With that out of the way... I just don't know where to begin.

I was drawn to RWBY and Whiterose for many reasons.

Back in 2017, I was trapped in a toxic relationship (marriage), working my ass off (whenever I could) to support my then partner.

I engaged in many forms of escapism: from gaming to writing fanfics- dreaming of a better, more adventurous life filled with action...

It was around that time period that I found RWBY again- a love at second sight (if I have to be fully honest), since I had already discovered the show back when I was in high school, while it was still releasing volume 2, in between 2012 and 2014, but had to drop it due to depression and other issues going on at the time.

When I found it again, in 2017, I was living in a literal basement with my now ex-wife.

I started deeply relating to Weiss since her family, backstory, and much more, aligned almost perfectly with my own background, personality and past.

You could say that there were an awful lot of coincidences going on:

- my ex-wife had a name similar to Ruby Rose and shared some of her personality traits (but only on the surface)

- I knew (or used to know) people who acted like and / or reflected some of the side characters and villains from RWBY to a T (I used to know an IRL "Cinder Fall" with the same black, long hair and missing eye + one of my former best friends is an uncannily similar, long-haired version of Nora)

- I had an almost identical abusive family dynamic to Weiss: a narcissistic, manipulative father, who alternated between being too controlling / involved in my life (and would put me down for bad grades, life choices, and much, much more) and being completely absent due to important business trips; a semi-distant mother, who suffered from mood swings and anger issues and would drown her sorrows in several huge glasses of red wine; a cousin, whom I considered to be like an elder sister (like Winter to Weiss), who moved far away- I hardly ever see her anymore; another cousin (her sibling), who resembled Whitley in every aspect and was like an obnoxious little brother to me when we were young- and a family butler, completely bald (compared to Klein, who is only somewhat bald), who was *kind of* like a father figure to me for a while

- My mother owns a mansion, which originally belonged to my grandfather (apparently his inheritance was the result of that side of the family being rich merchants)

- I kept everyone at arm's length, both when I was young and now as an adult, because of how awful people have been during my childhood and generally throughout my life (some of the initial bullying, harassment and false friendships were related to wealth-related jealousy)

- I also experienced the death and loss of all the people who were dearest to me in (and around) my family: my maternal grandmother —who loved everyone unconditionally— , my maternal grandfather —whom I admired and respected deeply— and uncle, who was a kind soul- among many others... (family friends, cats I grew up with- a dog as well). I have never properly gotten over the grief attached to their loss (part of the reason behind why I became inherently scared of becoming attached to anyone else, in fear of losing them at a later date, one way or another)

- Weiss' songs spoke (and still speak) to me on such a personal level that it is hard for me to hold back tears whenever I listen to them by myself...

...

Long story short, you can see how this drove me down a very, VERY deep rabbit hole... Especially because I started obsessively shipping Whiterose, to the point of idolizing it... maybe secretly hoping it would influence my IRL relationship...? (subconsciously, not intentionally)

My marriage eventually fell apart, going as nuclear as it could have, with my ex-wife cheating on me with two different guys (each guy on a separate occasion).

I ended up filing for divorce after trashing our apartment, following a long-overdue mental breakdown... But I'm not going to get into that. I'm not here to throw myself a pity party. It happened a long time ago. I just wish my obsession with Whiterose and RWBY would have ended there... but it didn't.

You see, not too long ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism by proper mental health professionals.

I originally sought help due to depression, anxiety and my social ineptitude reaching —once more— a breaking point.

It still remains one of my deepest regrets to this date: the fact that I sought professional help only after f*cking up my life so immensely. A lot of suffering on all sides could have been prevented, had I just decided to get help prior to... What I have done.

Before I got help (and messed up), I had also attempted to heal from trauma on my own, which, miraculously, went somewhat well and exorcized some of my many demons.

Either way, without going into too much detail about my trauma... The Autism diagnosis kind of turned my world upside down at first. It did make a lot of sense (in fact- perhaps it made TOO much sense, once I finally started to come to terms with it), because —trauma and other mental health issues aside— I always struggled to fit in. And it wasn't just because of other kids being jealous of my family being well-off... I was just weird to everyone else, and stood out like a sore thumb.

Lastly, pertaining my mental issues... Due to my odd, excessive pattern spotting behavior and ideas of reference, alongside some "paranormal" occurrences that I still cannot fully explain to this day (which, I guess fall under the category of "magical beliefs"), I have long since theorized that I might be suffering from (undiagnosed) Schizotypal Personality Disorder as well... It would explain an awful lot of things, and make my tendency to heavily lean into Weiss' character even more pathological.

Thing is... Being around the RWBY fandom was really bad for me due to the above-mentioned inner turmoil.

Combine a complete mental basket casket like me with a bunch of insecure, dissatisfied, immature & toxic teenagers, and you got yourself a recipe for disaster.

Trouble started around the first time I took identifying with Weiss a little too far... After landing on a Whiterose Discord Server run by no other than [REDACTED] (this person no longer is, therefore, I refuse to talk ill of the dead), where I shared pictures of myself (I had bleached my hair to a snowy white color- or bright silver. Doesn't really matter) and half-jokingly stated that I was the "real life Weiss".

All I'll say on the matter, is that the person who ran this server was very well-known and popular throughout the Whiterose fandom as a whole- and I got bullied by them and people on their Discord server... so much so that I left not even a few days in from joining.

The bullying hurt so much, perhaps, because when you see something as a part of your identity and you have older scars from being bullied and traumatized in schools... Plus being autistic and feeling things x100 more intensely... Well. It compounds. It left a mark. I forever felt unsafe and anxious around the fandom ever since... And that alone should have taught me an important lesson, but oh boy- was I in for it: I was not done humiliating myself yet.

The mistake I mention / reference so often? It's the reason why I want to make sure that you don't think of me as a victim. A survivor? Yes, maybe. But a victim? Not at all.

It's true that a lot of bad sh*t happened to me throughout the course of my life, which ended up making me lag *WAY* behind with my mental age (my autism also did not help in that regard), but none of it excuses or condones what I ended up doing.

Sometime around the beginning of 2020, I had started befriending a Whiterose artist. They were, at the time, a minor: 16, turning 17 in September of that year. For reference, I was 24, turning 25 in November of that same year.

I commissioned them a few times because I genuinely thought they were super talented and that their art was gorgeous, considering how young they were.

COVID lockdowns and isolation happened, which caused me to become overweight... A burden that I and this artist could relate over. We started talking more frequently- and slowly began to open up to each other about stuff.

At first- it was our issues, but interests got thrown into the mix too... Such as our shared obsession for Whiterose and the show (RWBY). Additionally, I used to draw a lot at their age as well, plus we had similar music from our childhoods- and we started bonding more and more.

...

It was a gradual process and I didn't think much of it at the time.

I grew protective of them because they'd been through so much and reminded me a lot of my younger self.

It should have stayed like that. A platonic, close friendship... But then, their 17th birthday came around, where they ended up confessing their feelings to me.

Obviously, my initial reaction was shock, as well as a mild dose of being grossed / weirded out.

"You're a minor. And that's the end of that" was my response at the time.

And yet- over the course of the next 5-6 months, I grew more and more brimming with anxiety... And concerned. I was in denial at first, but it soon hit me that I had ended up catching feelings for them as well.

A normally functioning, well informed adult would have made the morally correct, mature choice of cutting off contact and possibly seeking help- But I was none of those things. I had a father who told me there was nothing wrong with dating a 17 year old (I went No Contact with him, by the way. One of the best decisions of my life and I still only have Weiss' character arc, written by Monty, to thank for that).

Regardless of my ignorance on the subject, I should have really known better. It felt wrong and I knew it was wrong somewhere deep down, but I didn't understand why, or, at least, not fully. According to the laws in their country, it was still legal, technically speaking- and I genuinely loved them, so I thought that would make it alright, because "17 and a half is not that far from 18, so there is no difference, right...?".

Add to this the fact that I had a false memory of being "mature" at that age- mostly a consequence of people demanding that of me, due to circumstances that developed in high school that I am not willing to talk about on this post (it's getting long enough as is).

But yeah...

With feelings of love winning over any common sense I may have had, I was trying to do away with the wrongness of it by rationalizing it... I never should have done so.

Regardless of the reasons that led me to where I am now... the damage has been done, no matter how much I wish I could take it back.

They kept insisting and were persistently chasing me- which, pathetically enough (for me. I'm the pathetic one here), made me eventually cave in.

The loneliness from lockdown and isolation may have played a role in this too...

They probably noticed the change in my behavior, with me being way more anxious around any gay jokes and joke flirting... And they knew about my weakness: that I was tired of always having to be the one to make a move in relationships and wanted to have someone express interest in me for a change.

Regardless of the reasons behind why and how it happened, I agreed to "dating" them while they were still, even if just by a few months, a minor.

Needless to say- It all came crashing down and burning within a week or two.

I had seen it coming, or at least, part of me had, because there had been red flags in the form of their mental health being poor from the start... Said mental health issues ended up escalating (and this was something I noticed far prior to the relationship. I had been aware of their issues for a while, but stupidly thought I could help them overcome stuff- huge mistake on my end, once again) when the first hardships, differences and disagreements started cropping up.

When things nose-dived- and their mask of fake maturity crumbled to pieces... They had a suicidal episode. Their father ended up finding out and justifiably demanded they cut off all contact with me.

I was depressed for the entirety of summer 2021, due to the sheer amount of guilt and shittiness I felt (and still feel) towards myself and the situation. I never wanted for them to get hurt- but I tried meddling with personal issues of theirs that would have required a mental health professional intervening, rather than a naïve, dumbf*ck, autistic idiot with savior syndrome, desperately trying to save someone resembling their younger self and also partly re-enacting their own abusive parental relationship dynamic. Yeah... You heard that last part right.

My mother used to emotionally abuse me the same way they unintentionally did- for the short duration of the relationship (if you can even call it that). This was the final straw that ended up crushing and destroying me on the inside, both on a psychological- and emotional level, once I finally connected the dots and figured it all out...

I had let them use me as a punching bag when their mood got really bad or extreme (they probably had / still have BPD) and I tried to help them the same way I tried helping my mother, who also suffered from similar mental health issues (sudden mood swings and anger issues).

Life goes full circle, they say. And I was dumb enough to reach out to them again after they turned 18... Out of guilt. While "on drugs" (some legal drugs have undesirable side-effects on me, which result in a far stronger high than normal. Most people would only be able to achieve / experience such through the use of illegal drugs).

Wrong as it was, we talked for a while and it soon turned into flirting again- but I knew somewhere deep down that even if the wrongness of them being a minor wasn't there anymore, it just wasn't right. I had gone through too much emotional turmoil... They also had too much power and control over me** (since it seems that I completely lose my mind when I develop strong feelings for someone) and, in fact, when the abuse resumed and I confronted them about it, they said "let's just lose touch and never talk to one another again".

And I respected that. While crushed, heartbroken, defeated, ashamed and hurting from abandonment and rejection, I still respected (and to this day, respect) their wishes...

**I want to make it clear that I *DO NOT* blame them AT ALL for what transpired. Back then, I was dumb enough to think —before properly informing myself on the topic— that I could balance any possible power dynamic I had over them as an adult / 25 year old, by giving them control over me and everything in the relationship. It was both an intentional- and a subconscious choice (the love part, I couldn't help). I only later came to realize that power dynamics between two people sporting such an age gap can never be rectified...

...and I forever have to live with what I have done.

I was depressed for all of Christmas 2021 as well. But I eventually let it go. I accepted that I deserved to be alone and moved on.

I will slowly heal, but I still find myself thinking, from time to time, that maybe I would only be able to do right by them if I went to jail.

Jailtime really is something I feel I personally deserve. While we never met in person to do adult stuff... we still eRPd (erotic[-ally?] RolePlayed)- and I sent two very, VERY wrong, inappropriate pictures to them, that were sexual in nature, even though they didn't expose anything that would class as "nudes" (no sexually explicit body parts were involved).

One of said pictures was of my face blushing bright pink and another of a used sex toy.

That- and we shared sexual fetishes, which... was / is on a whole other level of messed up.

I still feel dirty, mortified, disgusted with myself- and horrible... whenever I think back on all of that.

Had I known this to be the outcome of my poor sense of judgement, I would have NEVER gone anywhere near them. As dumb as the saying is- hindsight really is 20/20...

...And while I highly doubt that I would make the same mistake twice, I ask of minors that come across my social media profiles to avoid any interaction with me whatsoever.

In terms of becoming a better person... I really am trying my best. I donated to a charity helping children / teens with mental health issues, and I have gone full vigilante- pushing potential predators out of Discord servers I'm on, where minors are still present and I witnessed adults trying to groom them.

I can only do so much, though...

I'm a broke student, who used to be a victim of sexual abuse and assault too (there is a reason behind why I get anxious, angry and sick to the bone whenever I hear about —or witness— someone abusing a child)- and while I have overcome that trauma, I still cannot believe that I nearly, if not entirely, became a perpetrator of it myself.

If what I did effectively constituted a crime under their country's laws- and there was a way to turn myself in and not involve them directly (so that they wouldn't have to relive any hurt, psychological or emotional damage that I may have inflicted upon them in court, as they would have to provide victim testimony on the stand), I would definitely do so.

As much as it would destroy my life and chances at having any kind of career in the future... I still feel the need to take responsibility.

...With that said, I'm not asking for anyone's —and *ESPECIALLY* not their— forgiveness, nor pity.

I'm the one and only person responsible for my own actions, and I just wish them well, regardless of what they think of me.

I never had any ill intent, and despite all the hate I might get for outing myself like this, I still do not have an inkling of ill intent in me.

I no longer sport the long, white, bleached hair and bangs I had, which made me like myself in the mirror. I don't deserve that. I'm not Weiss, no matter how similar our backstories are, or seemed to be.

I cut my hair short- mainly to punish myself, as I do not like it at all when it is that way.

This will hopefully mark the start of a real, positive change.

I have recently turned 27 and I am finally starting to settle into —and feel— my age. Anyone 19 or younger just sounds immature and childish to me, which is a good thing.

I wish I had gotten help and started bettering myself during my late teen years, but alas- I wasted my twenties trying to find myself and sort myself out. I don't know what kind of future awaits me.

For the time being, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because I feel the need to let people know what I have done- and that they might get sh*t for associating with me in any shape or form by befriending or following me.

I have made many mistakes in my life and do not love myself in any way... But I still try to help people however I can, from a distance, whenever I see that there might be a chance for them to feel better, make better decisions, or simply help them not turn into a f*ckup like me.

...

P.S.: To [REDACTED] (the person I hurt): if you ever read this, I want you to know that I am proud of how far you've come. I wish you all the healing and all the best things in the world. You've got more passion, determination and drive to chase your dreams than I ever did... Which is admirable. I hope that your work, now flourishing into something bigger, becomes a hallmark of what you are capable of- of your accomplishments. You are —and have always been— better than me, despite all the crap you've been through as a kid- despite your trauma, BPD and how you hurt me.

You probably don't care for me anymore... And that's for the best. Move on. Find happiness.

I'm slowly withering away in the tight grip of The Apathy (if you need a physical manifestation / personification of my poor mental health eating away at me).

I cannot be saved... shouldn't be- and won't be. This is where I belong and that's exactly what I deserve.

Farewell. I'm truly sorry. For everything.