#cause right now I feel like all I’ve been attracting is negativity

[rosicheeks]

😬

[gordontheengineswifenirmal]

The asexual struggle -

When it comes to the ‘are we LGBTQ+’ question, a lot of us asexuals have complexities far beyond the label, or multiple associations.

Let’s start at the beginning. For folks who are traditional LGTBQ+ - do u remember how hard it was to get to the limited, tepid (to say the least) level off acceptance that you have today? Asexuality in general isn’t there yet. We are still a few decades behind in the society’s mind. We share a lot of similar struggles - we are seen as broken, people think we choose who we are, than can/want to/should be ‘fixed’, etc. we too have dangerous negative associations attached to us. We get called paedo, we are called prudes or incels, we are told we can and should change. Society needs to understand that the lack of attraction, and/or lack of desire, resolution, etc. - and everything in between deserves just as much recognition as this who have heterosexual, or lgbtq+ sexual identities.

What puts us behind? We are rarely even acknowledged. We are the red headed stepchild, sort to speak. No one really knows us, or our struggles, they don’t care. They think we are a joke. It’s incredibly hurtful and damaging. We are frequently overlooked and misunderstood. We are often not taken seriously, and frequently ignored by both straight and other other non straight folks. We have fighting within our own community that causes confusion. This still does not give anyone an excuse to invalidate our existence. We, just like anyone else, didn’t choose it. Some folks struggle with it. Some of us have learned to embrace it in the wake up struggle, but there is usually struggle. Additionally, some folks can be both lgbtq+ AND some form of asexual. (In my case, I like male characters who are not human or animals. Apparently I’ve developed a thing for male machines lol.)

For some folks, the LGBTQ+ identity has more relevance. That is ok, as long as they have sincere intentions, and aren’t looking for attention. Yes, using sexually/gender identification for attention - that is a thing, and it’s been a thing for ages. For me, the label doesn’t mean so much. I don’t even really say I’m queer. I’m definitely unique, and I’ll stick to that. This does not mean that I feel there’s anything wrong with those who do identify more with LGBTQ+. I’m still an ally. I’m not going to hate someone who decides I’m not part of that greater label. I do take extreme offence with those who ‘bingo’ me, and invalidate who I am, or think I’m not serious about it. Worse yet, the ones who think I chose to be asexual, or decide they will ignore how I feel because they don’t know what sexuality is, and don’t care to open up their minds and learn. Then there are those who pretend to be asexual because they are trying to gain something from you, and it’s not clear wtf their intentions are. Or, sometimes it is. Still cringe.

However, in many aspects of society, there’s an unspoken social competition - men vs. Women, sexuality vs sexuality, culture vs culture, religion vs religion, political affiliation vs another political affiliation. There is some relevance behind the reasoning for some of these, but not all. Some of it has become an ego game. This behaviour is toxic. It does not good for anyone involved. It simply persuades prejudice and ignorance. Education, and the willingness to learn is paramount. This was said about the lgbtq+ community, and still is. The asexual community is now saying the same. This is what we are penultimately asking for. We want to learn how to be more recognised, more accepted in society, and given our rightful place. We agree that the mindset of ‘heterosexual is the only healthy identity’ is wrong. Please do not treat us like we are the enemy, especially when we are sex/romance repulsed. We seem gain the most eye rolls - both from within and outside our own own ace sphere. It’s a tiring argument, and we need to spend that energy toward more productive things, working together to help make things better for all ‘minority identities’. Even if u don’t identify with someone else’s sexual identity, respect it. That’s the most important thing. You would want that too. You wouldn’t want to be treated as a joke, as if your sexuality doesn’t matter. Don’t do this to others. This includes all of us in the asexual community, no matter what that may mean for us individually.

[headfullof-ideas]

All right, i decided on a whim to share a rough reference i use in my head of what teenage Ant looks like. Depending on what story or AU I’m writing a teenage Ant for, his appearance changes, but for this one we’ll say it’s my ‘canon’ version of him. Rather, the teenage Ant I have in my head following my internal interpretation of the canon timeline as it takes forever for new seasons to come out, but that I make sure to update as we get new seasons. Also involving a lot of my headcanons for him, most of which explain certain things about either his appearance or mental health, cause our boy is TRAUMATIZED.

Ant is about sixteen to seventeen here, the typical age for teenage main heroes. Except he has already been through being the main hero and is a little sick of it. Or maybe a lot sick of it. A few years prior to where he is in the drawing, the prophecy ends. After defeating the Monumentials and saving the earth from what would have been a devastating rampage, Ant tried to pretend that everything was okay and normal for a while. You know, blocking all of his trauma and acting like nothing’s wrong as is the norm from teenage protagonists. After a while though, Ant realizes that his lifestyle was never really normal to begin with. Ant has a bit of a metal breakdown, not on par with the one Alpheus had or anything, but he has a meltdown when trying to go back to his normal life fails and he realizes he wants a break from everything. From all the families missions and all the adrenaline they experience on a weekly basis and all the danger he hasn’t realized he’s experienced for a majority of his childhood. Fontaine feels guilty for being so proud of her little brother wanting to do normal, not-submarine things, and so Ant starts his own little journey of doing things beyond the titanium hull of the Aronnax.

Now that I’ve gotten the mini bio, or whatever that was, done, time for the headcanons!

- Ant joined his sister in begging their parents to let them try land school, and ultimately Kaiko and Will caved, due to everything the family had just been through. Fontaine went straight to high school while Ant did a year of middle school due to age before moving to high school, with both kids using Kaiko’s maiden name at Ants request. This was because while Ant didn’t hate being a Nekton and was proud of his name, he didn’t want to attract any sort of attention at all. Fontaine wasn’t immediately thrilled by it, but didn’t complain either.

- Ant ended up growing his hair out a bit, and started wearing a beanie as well. He’d alternate how he wore his hair, sometimes keeping it back but usually having it in a sort of half-up half-down style. Mostly because he didn’t want to try to hard with his appearance, and wanted to try something a little different to what he used to wear all the time. (I usually draw adult Ant with longer hair too)

- Ant got his ears pierced when he was fifteen, deciding on a whim that he wanted to. Fontaine was the one who ultimately took him, leaping at the opportunity. He still wears his communicator all the time, but Fontaine convinced him to try a few other bracelets as well.

- After Ants meltdown, he decided to try and separate himself from most of his childhood as much as possible. Not necessarily in a negative way, but more in a manner of trying to find stuff outside of submarine life. Ant felt he didn’t have too many hobbies outside of anything that came in handy with working and living on a submarine, and so started trying out all sorts of activities to find other things he liked to do. This was another thing Fontaine was eager to jump on board with. He still goes out in the Shadow Knight, and he still loves swimming and working on the Aronnax with Kaiko, but he doesn’t spend nearly as much time doing these things as he did when he was younger.

- Another aspect about Ant trying to branch away from submarine life is his clothing. He didn’t wear casual clothes too much as a kid, almost always wearing a wetsuit. As an older teenager, Ant doesn’t wear his wetsuit too much anymore. He has one, and he does use it, but not nearly as often as a kid. He tries to focus on finding a style he likes, which Fontaine is also ecstatic about. Doesn’t always agree with what he picks out, but she’s super excited nonetheless

-As Ant gets older, he starts to develop some more of Kaiko’s features. Ant always felt, to me, like someone where you knew he was Kaiko and Wills kid, but you never saw any similarities until you put him right in between his parents. As Ant gets older though, he starts to lose baby fat and looks a little more discernibly like his parents, especially Kaiko whom he subtly looks more like in regard to facial structure. (Fontaine is, like, a perfect blend of her parents in my opinion. Ant somehow looks exactly like and nothing like either of his parents in the show)

- Ant starts to develop a bit of muscle as a teenager. He’s not Will, and never does get that muscular, but he’s a teenage boy and that sort of thing just tends to happen to teenage boys. He’s still fairly active as well, which helps. His hair also gets a bit thicker because of puberty, and a tiny bit wavy. Not enough to be actually noticeably though, at least until it gets humid out.

- Ant didn’t grow too much between the ages of twelve and fourteen, but then started shooting straight up at fifteen. Will jokes that it’s all the growth spurts he missed in his early teenage years hitting him all at once. This however leads to Ants usual perfect balance due to life on sea being royally screwed up as his center of balance continues to change makes him abnormally clumsy over the next few years until he stops growing so fast at eighteen/nineteen. Being so clumsy leads to a few accidents, like the one that gave him a scar in his eyebrow. Ant usually doesn’t tell people how he got the scar, cause it’s embarrassing to him after spending so long on the ocean. During a summer between school years, the Nektons were on the Aronnax, and Kaiko just gently tipped the Aronnax into a dive. Nothing Ant shouldn’t have been unable to adjust to with ease. Instead, he slid on the floor, lost his balance, and went tumbling down the hall and crashing into a random room with an unfortunate door open where he wound up twisting his ankle, breaking his nose, and cutting his eyebrow deep enough to scar.

- In line with the prior note, Ant has some scars from all the adventures his family has been on. Fontaine does as well, and these only drive home how desperately they want to experience some sort of normalcy, despite still loving their life on the Aronnax.

- Ants clothing style tends to reflect his mental state; how well he’s doing, if anything’s bothering him, that sort of thing.

I’m sure i have plenty other headcanons, but my brain’s struggling to focus on anything new, so here ya go.

[evan4ever]

Hi. Loved your last fanfic so much and wanted to request smt. You are in a relationship with evan and in the last couple of months you didn’t have any sexual contact with him. One day you plan a romantic night and confront him with your desperation and recommend something new you both could try. He likes the idea and yeah. Hope you like the idea 🥹💕

Please

Warnings: insecurities, mentions of cheating, being ate out, p in v penetration, lighter smut

a/n: I kind of switched it up a bit, I hope you still like it! 🤍

—

The atmosphere between you and your boyfriend, Evan, has been off lately. Not your relationship in general, you still hugged and kissed and cuddled and it all felt right, but Evan seemed less than interested in any further action. It’s been months since he’s last touched you intimately, since he’d deepen a kiss even when you tried so hard, he never seemed to notice when you’d wear shorter shorts or cleavage-revealing shirts, he didn’t even acknowledge you when you stripped naked and tried to recommend him taking a shower with you. You felt at a loss and you were desperate for him. You couldn’t even stop the negative feelings and thoughts that began consuming your mind.

Was he not attracted to you anymore?

Did he not want you anymore?

Was there someone else he was giving all the lacking intimacy to?

What we’re you doing wrong?

You laid in bed tonight after being denied affection from Evan who was in the living room watching a movie. He had told you he was too tired and “maybe later” when you tried to initiate wanting some affection. The immediate tears in your eyes made you back off and go lay down where you now snuggled into your comforter and allowed yourself to cry into your pillow, not wanting him to hear you or see what he had caused. You didn’t want to make him feel bad, you knew he was busy with work and that it was exhausting at times. But the last few months of receiving nothing even when you tried so hard was enough to take a toll on your confidence. You didn’t know what to do anymore.

You raised your head to look out your bedroom door when you heard him in the kitchen assuming putting together a late dinner, rolled your eyes at the thought and laid your head back down. You noticed your white pillowcase was stained with your mascara from your tears as well as under your eyes and your cheeks, but you didn’t care anymore.

“Babe? I’m making this frozen lasagna, do you want some?” You heard him call out to you but you stayed silent and in bed hoping he’d think you’d fallen asleep, but heard him call out again. “Baaaabe?” You groaned and threw the covers off of yourself and made your way out to him, considering you were a little hungry yourself. He smiled when his eyes landed on you and you only sent him a quick half smile and sat at the table while he put the frozen meal in the oven.

“Sorry, I should’ve made it earlier. I forgot.” You said quietly while you watched him. He waved a hand and shrugged.

“Late meals are fun sometimes.” He smiled as he made his way to the table and sat across from you, only now noticing your smeared makeup and seemingly weak body language and furrowed his eyebrows in concern. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

You nearly glared at him in disbelief when he asked, wondering if he truly didn’t see what was going on or if he just didn’t care. He seemed sincere, reaching across the small table and taking your hand in his and giving it a squeeze while he waited for you to answer, but you weren’t even sure how to go about this.

“I-“ you started and glared even more, retrieving your hand from his and sitting straight in the chair, him mirroring your action wondering what’s gotten into you. “What’s wrong? Really? You don’t.. I don’t know.. you don’t think it might have something to do with the lack of affection and intimacy you’ve been giving me? I mean you don’t see how hard I’ve been trying to get you to touch me somehow? Seriously?” You scoffed and shook your head looking away from him. You felt bad, but you needed something from him. Acknowledgement, at least.

“Y/n I told you I’ve been exhausted lately.” His face dropped, not seeing why you’re so upset about it. “I didn’t realize you’ve been trying so hard I’m.. im sorry.”

You knew he was trying to make it better but it only made you feel worse, it made you feel invisible to him. You were at a loss of words, wondering if it was even worth it to continue having this agonizingly hard conversation.

“I mean.. Ev? Are you not.. attracted to me anymore? Do you have no desire to.. touch me, at all?” He quickly shook his head and opened his mouth to deny what you’d just asked, thinking how absolutely insane you must be yo think he’d ever stop being attracted or wanting to touch you, but you started again before he could speak. “Is there someone else?” Your last sentence came out in a squeak as your eyes filled with tears again, quickly wiping them away as soon as they fell.

His eyebrows shot up and he sat wide eyed at your question now. “Baby no. No god no.” He stood from his chair across from you and sat at the one next to you, turning you to face him. “No, I promise you that isn’t the case. I… I only want you. I fucking love you y/n.” His voice held more sincerity and a slight tint of hurt that you’d actually think that, but he quickly realized that it was his own doings that caused you to think such a thing. “Babe I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel this way. I would never intentionally hurt you or make you feel less than what you are. You are everything to me and more. Of course I’m attracted to you and of course I want to touch you and be intimate with you. I’ve just been so busy, I wasn’t realizing I’d been denying it from you.”

“But it’s not just about denying me Evan. Do you not want it for yourself either? Do you not crave it sometimes just like I do? I don’t get it and I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m dying to feel you and it hurts me.” Your eyes burned into his with such seriousness that he had to look away from them, looking down at his hands that were grasping yours.

It’s not that he didn’t want it, his job and his schedule, interviews and events — they were all adding up and he was exhausted, like he had said. He wanted you, he just had to find time and he understood that wasn’t fair to you.

“I do. I do want it babe. I’m so sorry for not focusing on you and engaging in you. For making you feel this way. It’s not true at all, I promise you.” He squeezed your hands reassuringly, your eyes flickering down to them then back up to his gaze that was on you again. You stayed quiet for a moment as you contemplated your next words or move.

“Then please…” you whispered out desperately, trailing off not wanting to pathetically be rejected again but hoping he would get it.

And he did, wasting no time in grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you to him crashing his lips on yours in a deep, passionate kiss. This was the most you’ve felt of him in months, your arms instinctively wrapping around his neck and him pulling you to your feet with him. His hands scooped under your thighs and lifted you up, carrying you to the kitchen counter and setting you down, his hands then roaming every inch of your body while yours reached down and helped him pull his shirt off. He quickly connected his lips to your neck pulling your body against his with an arch of your back, leaving perfect marks down to your chest while your head fell back to grant him more access. He pulled your own shirt off and his hands were right back on your waist, gripping tightly, finally feeling his own desperation for you.

You were filled with so many emotions, desperation, need, the frustration and hurt you felt before dissipating into pure lust and a hunger for the man you’ve been dying to be intimate with. It felt better than you’d remembered, his lips and hands on your skin while yours were all over him, probably because you’d never been this horny or needy before. You knew you wouldn’t last long, and neither would he.

His mouth was currently on one of your tits, sucking and piping around your sensitive nipple while his other hand trailed down your stomach and began playing with your waistband.

“Evan…” you breathed a moan out, your hands entangled in his dark hair. He opened his eyes and looked up at you, never taking his mouth away from your nipple unless it was to switch to the other, sure to give it the same attention. You moaned again as he held eye contact, the sight nearly making you explode right there. “Please babe, I need you. I need to feel you inside me” you squeaked out, your eyes shutting and head falling back again. He quickly parted his mouth from your chest and pulled his sweatpants down, not wearing any boxers under, and you took the chance to slip your shorts off.

Without warning, be hooked your legs over his shoulders and immediately delved into you pussy, a loud gasp leaving your mouth as your hands went back into his hair. He licked you up and down, flicking your clit with his tongue a few times before fully eating you out. He didn’t stop, even when it was overstimulating your throbbing heat, only wrapping his arms around your thighs and holding you in place while he tasted as much if you as he could, you breathing uneven and multiple moans and profanities leaving from your mouth.

“Evan, fuck I’m going to cum already” you panted out, looking down at the beautiful picture in front of you. “I can’t take anymore” you groaned, him only looking up to meet your eyes as he continued tongue fucking you and playing with your sensitive bud, sending you over the edge. Your back arched as you hit your climax, pulling at his hair and cursing some more in high pitched squeaks. He slowed his tongue down as you rode out your high before letting your already shaking legs drop and placing himself between them again.

“Fuck..” you cried out quietly as you caught your breath. He grabbed your cheeks in his hand and made you look up at him, your eyes meeting again and finally feeling the spark you have missed between them.

“You are all I want and more, okay? You never have to question yourself, ever.” He reassured you, pushing some of your hair back from your face. You smiled lightly and let out a relieved breath, nodding to him. He returned the nod knowing you believe him and understand, then let his hands drop your waist again and grip them, pulling your ass closer to the edge for easier access.

You watched as he lined himself up with your entrance before slowly inserting himself into you, both of you moaning out in pleasure while his forehead fell against yours. After a few slow thrusts, he allowed himself to speed up, fucking you harder and so desperately, never wanting to let you go and let you feel like this again.

You gripped his back, holding onto him tightly while your head rested now against his shoulder. You dug your nails into him earning you a beautiful, throaty groan from him, a sound you’ve been dying to hear. You smiled against his skin as he continued fucking you, his arms wrapping you up tightly and your legs wrapping around his waist. Realizing you were reaching your second climax, you bit down into his shoulder and maimed into it and felt his thrusts become sloppier and uneven as he reached his climax, his hand quickly making its way in between your bodies and reaching down to rub your clit again to be sure you’d orgasm the same time as he did.

“You’re so… fucking.. beautiful..” he groaned out, your eyes fluttering shut as he pushed you over the edge and sending himself over with you. Another gasp left from you as you crumbled in his hold, your orgasm stringer this time than before and feeling him let himself go inside of you.

“Oh god Evan” you sucked a sharp breath in as he thrusted a few more times before sliding out, still holding you to be sure you wouldn’t fall.

“I love you.” He whispered, pecking your lips then your forehead, your eyes closing again as you relaxed in his hold, feeling satisfied and safe. “I love you, so much.”

—

@evanpetersmood @witchsbitchestime @demxnicprxncess @yes-divine-ruler @shjjpm @evanpsrealwife @iruzias @jangsuzchap @quicksilversg1rl @submissiveforahsmen

[absideon-ephemeral]

Sky | Bucky Barnes

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: The sky is always changing. Never the same twice. But it’s never been the same since you’ve been gone.

Warnings: ANGST, slight gore, descriptions of blood and death. Violence. I want to make someone cry (probably myself). Language, not a happy ending.

A/N: First off, y’all shocked the hell out of me. 1k+ likes on Dog Tags?!?! Thank y’all so much. I was inspired by the book Strange The Dreamer to write this.

The sky is ever changing.

Never the same twice.

The sunrise is always different and so is the sunset.

Nothing is ever the same when it comes to the sky.

And nothing will ever be the same for him either. . .

It was supposed to be an easy mission. A simple take down. But when has anything ever been easy for any of you?

It started when Sam received word that a new group of extremists were forming in Madripoor. It was small, a rag-tag Flag-smasher wannabe group. They preached the same message: those who survived the snap were forgotten when the rest came back and deserve the same help as they did. Not wanting to repeat the whole situation over again, Sharon (who had yet to come out as the Power Broker) contacted Sam who then contacted you and Bucky to help solve this rising problem. After a quick debrief from Sam, you three were boarding a plane (courtesy of Sharon) and off to Madripoor.

From there, the rest seemed like a blur. You remember suiting up and the debrief, locating the exact place. You remember the ride there, sitting alone in the back seat while Sam drove and Bucky rode shot gun. You remember looking out the window as you drove on, the sky a pale gray; the kind indicating a storm coming in. You remember Bucky calling your name, asking if you were okay. You nodded, not letting on to the growing unease within you.

It was a fairly short ride. You parked a distance away as to not attract attention. When you finally snuck up on the building, your unease turned to dread. The rag-tag group chose an abandoned steel mill as their hide out. That meant all sorts of sharp metal pieces were probably lying about. Now you had to worry about those kind of hazards as well. As you three snuck over the wrought iron fence, mindful of the sharp spikes on the top, drops of rain began to appear. Your feeling of dread increased the closer you go to the building.

“Guys, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” You moved into position to breach the door. Bucky and Sam glanced at you, concern flashing over their faces. They knew you, and when you say you have a bad feeling, majority of the time you’re right.

Bucky glanced back at Sam. “She’s right. Something’s off. It’s too. . .quiet.”

“Look, we’ve got to take out these guys before they cause too much trouble. We’ll just have to be more careful. We’ll watch each others six and the minute we see something too dangerous we’ll pull out, okay?” Sam replied. You and Bucky nodded, understanding that this was something that had to be taken care of.

You three breached the back door, already suspicious that no alarms had been triggered. You three moved along the bottom floor, weaving in and out of old machines and metal. It was quiet. Too quiet. Your thoughts were racing - either they’ve relocated or all hell is about to break loose. Just as you three moved out from under the second story balcony, the latter came true. You were the first to see it, the glint of polished black metal moving above.

“Get down!!” You barely had any time to yell before figures popped up from above and began raining down bullets.

The three of you were forced to split up, taking refuge behind machines. You couldn’t see either of your partners and you assumed they couldn’t see you. The bullets pinged off oft the metal as the people above kept trying to get a better shot at you.

“Are either of you hurt?!” Sam yelled through the comms.

“Negative!” Both you and Bucky yelled back. The bullets paused a moment - reload time. You took this as your opportunity to pop up and and take a couple shots, downing a few of them. You only managed to shoot three before the bullets began again. One managed to graze your left arm as you ducked down.

“Shit!” You press your hand to the graze, palm coming back bloody.

Bucky frantically called your name through the comms. “What happened, did you get hit?” His tone was frantic and laced with worry.

“Just a graze. Took down three of them. How you two holding up?”

“Can’t get a single shot in,” Bucky said.

“Neither can I. I’m deploying Red-wing.” Sam deployed the little robot and had it zooming around the room, hitting people with small little bombs or electrical charges. Between you and Red-wing, most of the people were either dead or incapacitated. All except one.

That single person took off running, ending their gun fire and allowing you three to get up.

“Split up! We can’t let him get away!” You yelled. Before the other two could protest, you were on your feet and sprinting after the criminal.

Your blood was pumping. Heart racing. The criminal was sprinting, almost inhumanly fast. You had to dodge machines and steel and objects thrown in your way. You managed to get all the way to the third floor when you lost sight of him. Coming to the end of a hallway, there was a split. A 50/50 chance you would either catch this guy or not. A curse fell from your lips.

“Sam, Buck, you got eyes on our guy? I lost him on the third floor. Don’t know if he circled back around.” You kept glancing back and forth from your left to your right. Straight ahead of you was a window out looking the fence you crossed over earlier. The rain had stopped and the sky began to clear its way into the beginnings of a sunset.

“Negative on the second floor,” Bucky replied.

“Nothing on the first either,” Sam added.

You sighed. Weighing your choices. You were just about to turn back around when you caught movement out of the corner of your eye.

They were fast - too fast. You barely had time to block before they were swinging at you left and right. When the shock finally wore off you began to fight back. Trying to match their pace but beginning to fail. You went to kick, but they dodged and your step faltered.

Big mistake.

The criminal used this to his advantage, grabbing you by the neck and slamming you against the glass window. You couldn’t breathe right. You tried to gain leverage but just couldn’t. Your comm has been knocked out and effectively cut you off from help. He slammed you against it again, and again. The window began to crack and spider. Your adrenaline rose with the noise and with a newfound strength, you managed to get your legs up and kick him hard in the chest and groin. Stunned, the man let’s go, and you drop to the floor, gasping for breath.

But the fight isn’t over yet.

He straightens, you scramble off the floor, and the dance of death begins. Both of you were exchanging blows left and right: dancing in an intricate circle to live. You turn again, your back to the window. And that’s when your bad feeling came true.

All it took was a moment of hesitation.

A moment where Bucky came skidding around the corner and into the hallway to your left.

A moment where he yelled your name.

A moment to turn your head and take your eyes off your opponent.

And then you were through the window. Shattering glass as the man drop kicked you straight through it.

For a moment you were weightless. Like time had stopped and you were floating in the air surrounded by bits of glass.

But then gravity kicked in.

And you were falling.

Normally a three story fall wouldn’t be so bad. You would end up with a few broken bones or minor injuries that could easily be healed (thank you advanced tech). But, that’s only if you land on straight ground.

No one said anything about an iron fence.

The grief on Bucky’s face as he stood in the window and the pinkish hue of the sky were the last things you saw before your body suddenly jerked and everything went dark.

And Bucky, your poor, poor Bucky, saw it all.

He shot the guy down a second after you went through the window, racing to the edge to see if you would be fine. But he too, forgot about that wrought iron fence. He was helpless. He could only scream your name as you fell to your death. His cry of anguish could be heard all throughout Madripoor as your body collided with the fence and on one of those sharp iron spikes. It went right through your chest - the force of the landing snapping your spine, ensuring a swift death.

He backed away from the window, slowly, and once he could no longer see your body, he ran. Down to the first floor, past a confused Sam (who ran after him), out the door, and to you.

He hoped it was all just some bad dream. You looked too beautiful to be dead. Even as blood ran into your hair and dripped down the fence you still looked beautiful. Your body was arched over the iron: back curled and arms open wide as if you were rejoicing. The spike sticking straight out from you chest and glistening with dark blood. Your eyes open yet dull. He stopped right under you.

Sam, the poor fool, had heard his partners screams and followed him when he ran past. He was a few paces behind Bucky, slowly walking out to meet him. As he approached, his stomach sank.

There you were - beautifully arched over a iron fence, covered in blood, and a spike through your chest. Sam felt sick. Just a few moments ago you were running and shooting. You can’t be dead.

The same thoughts were running through Bucky’s head. He just saw you. You had looked at him. You were alive and fighting mere seconds ago.

But now you were gone.

Bucky called your name softly, tears beginning to silently fall. He approached the fence and placed his hands under your neck and at the small of your back. He painstakingly lifted you off the fence, the wet squelch from blood sounding as he did. He made it but two steps from the fence before collapsing with you in his arms. His hands and arms were now soaked in blood. He kept calling your name, begging you to wake up. Sam slowly approached and kneeled in front of him.

“Buck,” Sam called softly. Tears began to fall down his face as well.

Bucky shook his head. “No, no we can still fix her. Call an ambulance or something. We can still help her.”

Sam said nothing. Only staring at his partner holding the love of his life in his arms. Upon hearing no answer, Bucky lifted his head, bloodshot eyes meeting Sam’s.

“Sam do something! Please, please help her. Sam, please,”

Sam could do nothing but shake his head. She was gone. Nothing could help now.

A gut wrenching sob tore through Bucky and he curled around you, laying his head in the crook of you neck, trying to keep hold of what little warmth your body had left.

The two boys sat, one silently crying, mourning the death of a partner and the grief of his friend; and one furiously sobbing, clutching the dead body of his love.

As the two sat in the abandoned steel yard, the sky gave away to a beautiful sunset. One with oranges, purples, pinks, and reds.

Nothing was the same for Bucky since the day you died.

And the sunset began to haunt him, reminding him of you arched over the fence with a beautiful sunset behind you.

No, nothing will ever be the same.

Especially the sky.

[ari-kari]

hey. gnarly gender stuff below. wouldn’t recommend reading if you are triggered by gender doubt, detransition, sexuality, negative body talk, and surgical malfeasance. oh and also light gore. sorry it’s going to get kind of weird

so I’ve been quietly stepping away from id’ing as trans for a while now. which is a subject that probably needs its own post, all things considered. but there’s one aspect of my (de)transition that is causing an enormous amount of stress in my life, and I’m genuinely not sure how to handle it. so I figured blabbing about it here might help me get some clarity.

anyways. let’s talk titties.

my first top surgery in 2022 was botched. dog ears, massive janky nipples, bizarre incision site choices - it was a whole deal. I got a revision last year (from the same surgeon lmao) that fixed a lot of things, but unfortunately it made other problems significantly worse. So while aesthetically things are much better than they used to be, I still consider myself to be botched. I haven’t taken my top off in public since it happened, and I don’t see myself doing so any time soon.

For a long time, I assumed that this was my only problem; some asshole small town doctor had messed up my results, and now I felt uncomfortable in my body. But it slowly began to dawn on me that things were more complicated than that. Because when I imagined myself being intimate with someone with perfect, stellar top surgery results…I still felt horrible. To the point where, even with nipple prosthetics, I haven’t felt comfortable enough to have sex since my revision 9 months ago.

So now we get into the crux of the problem. Which is this - I do not feel desireable without breasts. Not to myself, and not to others. And to be honest, I knew this would be a problem even before I got the surgery, but I went through with it anyways. Because desireability is small potatoes when it comes to the horrors of gender dysphoria, right? In my mind, I was being vain to put my intimacy concerns over the pursuit of my “true self”. Everyone with dysphoria had to “fix” it eventually - I couldn’t just not get top surgery.

But like…fuck, dude. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten top surgery.

I prefer my body without breasts. It feels much more “me”, especially when I’m alone. But I don’t feel hot. I don’t feel fuckable, or beautiful, or attractive. And I’ve been trying to chip away at it in therapy, but I haven’t really put much of a dent in it, and it’s bringing up some really hard questions that I no longer feel capable of ignoring.

Honestly? My confidence in my sexuality is a big fucking deal to me. I’m someone for whom intimacy of all kinds is really important. And even though I know that there are PLENTY of people who find flat chests attractive, I personally do not. And it’s seriously starting to fuck with my head.

Idk man. Insurance is able to cover reconstruction for me due to a federal loophole, but there’s no way in hell they’re going to fix my jacked-up nipples on their own. And I’m seriously beginning to question if a little gender dysphoria might be worth the relief of finally feeling confident in my own skin again. I have a consultation appointment in June, in either case. So in the mean time, I just have to…figure this out. No biggie.

Anyways, that’s my spiel. I’ve been wearing prosthetics for a while now and tolerating them fairly well, but I recognize that having something physically attached to you is a whole other ball game. So we’re just gonna keep on trucking and see what happens 🫠🫠🫠 either way I have a funny feeling that the “perfect” answer I’ve been seeking to this problem does not exist.

[imagoddamnonionmason]

Hi Goose! I’ve got a series of questions for you regarding Jodie (both with Woods and without)

1) How did Jodie come to terms about liking Woods, especially because of all the shit she went through?

2) Does Jodie have any addictions? Could range from like alcohol to being a workaholic.

3) How does Woods change Jodie for the better?

4) What are the most toxic parts in Woods and Jodie’s relationship? Do they argue a lot? Have they ever broken up?

5) What would make Jodie happy?

6) How does she cope (both negatively and positively) after the brainwashing?

Hello there, Liberty!! These are some good questions >:)

I'll get straight into it <3

1) How did Jodie come to terms about liking Woods, especially because of all the shit she went through?

She really struggled to come to terms with it in the beginning, like she was in denial that these feelings were genuine and were reciprocated with any conditions. She'd been physically attracted to him for a long time, even during the campaign, but when the memories of her past came flooding back, the feelings she had became tainted. They were tainted with that worry that he was only getting close with her because it was his job, not because he actually genuinely had feelings himself. So when she returns to the CIA after everything that happened, she becomes closed off again, fighting these feelings and refusing to acknowledge that there is genuine potential for a healthy-ish (cause they're not perfect so it's not perfect) relationship.

When it finally starts to happen, though, is when she realises that Frank still treats her how he did before it all came to light about who she was. He'd would have had his struggles coming to terms with that himself, but it's not her fault, and he would make sure she knew that he saw her no differently. She was still Jodie. She was the one who chose to help them. She was still the woman that he met in that safe house and no one and nothing could convince him otherwise, past or person.

I think that's the point when she lets herself come to terms with how she feels because it's... he's not lying. He gains nothing from it, there's no conditions. She felt wanted, for real, and it was hard not to cave in to it.

2) Does Jodie have any addictions? Could range from like alcohol to being a workaholic.

So, she's addicted to cigarettes definitely. She needs the nicotine to calm her nerves. She can be a workaholic - she felt like she was useless unless she worked, whether that was for Perseus, Adler and now currently the CIA. After all, in her mind, she had no other purpose than to be a tool for the CIA against the Perseus faction, given her previous affiliation.

Frank and Alex helped her out with that, made her come to some understanding that, you know, you're one of us. They also told Hudson and Adler to back off, she's only human, after all, not a fucking machine.

It get's her quite sick at times.

3) How does Woods change Jodie for the better?

I had to spend a few days mulling this over because at first I had that knee-jerk reaction of 'oh fuck' because it's such a good question and I hadn't put much thought into this aspect of them.

SO! I think it's quite simply that he'd change her outlook on trusting herself. There's aspects of her that has such an internalised mistrust and fear of herself, based on the fact that she used to be affiliated with Perseus and that she can't fully recall her past; there's parts of it that are clouded with brain fog, due to the brainwashing, and she just can't trust if what she remembers of herself is right. Can she say that she always intended to give Perseus up or is that an implanted memory? Can she say that she never wanted to do what Perseus asked or is she misremembering? Was she actually the kind of person that enjoyed hurting people in his name? And at times she convinces herself that she is, in fact, some monster that relished in the suffering of others, that loved the idea of destroying half the world.

She'll dive into this pit of guilt and it leads her to not trust herself with certain people etc. To begin with, she couldn't win this fight on her own, but Frank, in his own way, has his own guilt for his own reasons and can recognise that kind of internal conflict. Fuck, he's been there, done that and got the fucking t-shirt. He's not some therapist, but he'd probably work with her, talk it out, do something because he can't bear to see her fight herself over shit that's in her head.

Having someone consistently remind you of who you are, remind you to fucking trust yourself... yeah, he'd have helped her to fight that demon, urging her into a better version of herself so that, eventually, the demon might not raise it's head as much as it used to.

This issue is most prevalent when she has Ashley and Frank, yeah, helps her change her outlook there, too.

4) What are the most toxic parts in Woods and Jodie’s relationship? Do they argue a lot? Have they ever broken up?

Hmm, their bad arguments can get pretty heated. These kinds of arguments are far and few between, but when they happen they can be explosive. Usually it'll be because of a miscommunication or something like that.

They once had an argument bad enough that Jodie locked him out of the flat she was living in and refused to talk to him. But that's because she thought he had undermined her and went behind her back to discuss her skill and position in the team, when that wasn't the case, Hudson just can't emote for shit and fucking stirred the pot.

I wouldn't say they have super toxic traits within the relationship, nothing that would be a red flag, but of course they have their rough patches.

Also, they haven't broken up. They are stuck with each other whether they like it or not.

5) What would make Jodie happy?

Hmm, two things.

Hunting down Keith Wells to the ends of the earth and then putting him through the same amount of pain he did her. (Spoiler: she does this and he deserves everything he has coming to him.)

2. Living out the rest of her days with her family, growing old and just keeping that little circle of three safe and happy. Yeah, she gets her happy ending and will do anything to keep it safe.

6) How does she cope (both negatively and positively) after the brainwashing?

Right, so this is a healing process with Jodie; to begin with she doesn't cope with the knowledge of being brainwashed very well. She's angry, upset, confused, betrayed, a whole lot of emotions. In the initial moments of being told, she probably goes through the seven stages of grief in 0.5 seconds flat, which is intense. She actually contemplates not telling the truth, a small whim of spite urging her to sabotage everything Adler and his team had done to try and get to Perseus, not because she wants to protect the man or the faction, but because she wanted to fuck Adler over.

But, she knows that she'd regret doing that, so she doesn't.

After that, the initial months wouldn't be kind to her; she'd have brain fog, headaches, nausea - all the physical side effects of recovering from whatever they did to her. She'd really struggle coping with these, probably not eating properly due to lack of appetite, lack of sleep, nightmares etc. She'd also throw herself into work as though she's some sort of machine because her self worth is 'I am only useful when I am helping them', them being the CIA, Hudson etc.

With help and time, she would start to use strategies to cope. One way is the puzzle book - it keeps her mind busy, doesn't allow her to settle on silence for too long to allow thoughts to come in. She would still work, but she would make sure that her work is quality rather than quantity; whatever missions she gets, whatever work she does, she won't just churn out her skills for the sake of it. She puts a lot of meaning back into her actions because she now has the choice to do so. It would be her way of throwing away this idea that she was only useful when controlled.

(I struggle to explain my thoughts on this but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say!!)

-----

Thank you for this ask!!! It was a big one but I really enjoyed writing this response. There was a lot to think about and I just- yeah, I had a lot of fun ;u; <3

[gossipgirloff1]

hi, so this will be a long post so sorry about that 😅

but with all the talk about red flagui, i also want to point out some stuff about lando. as a fan, i’ve noticed way more things because i’ve supported him from the start.

one of the first things is just his attitude that can be seen through his choices. like with his merch, it’s so expensive and the shipping fee is crazy, which makes it hard for me to buy his merch. compared to max, his merch is more expensive and he rarely has discounts. he’s changed so much to care about the money, which is also why he moved to monaco after he said previously that he wasn’t going to. i just miss his old ways. like in 2020, he donated money to charity and shaved his goddamn head for charity as well as having quite a few helmets for good causes. i sure don’t see him doing all this goodwill with his money anymore. but now, as he’s getting more attention for being with magew and his behavior, it’s clear to see that the fanbase is turning against him because his new merch collection still hasn’t sold out like it used to (it’s preorder though, so who knows.)

another thing is the way he presents himself. he’s lost that bubbly, energetic attitude from his twitch streams back during quarantine and now he’s hanging out with people like red flagui. honestly, people attract similar people. we all know magew’s problematic past, and i’m sure lando is more than aware, but the fact that he consciously chooses to still be around her is giving me the ick. it’s not even a serious relationship either, it’s probably just fwb or a situationship or something. it’s giving pr attention and honestly, the two of them need to stop acting like they’re the shit. like leaving hints is so childish, and at this point, we’re all moving on to something actually meaningful. the only attention they’re getting is negative and they definitely lack the maturity that people like oscar and lily z have. (sidenote: joao is free!!)

i used to be such a big fan of lando and thought he was genuinely a good person, but after the whole red flagui ordeal, i think we all got the ick from him. and don’t get me started on his childish behavior of unliking anything joao likes. joao’s probably giggling while lando is probably fussing over the smallest things. i know he’s probably still somewhat insecure and stuff, but i’m guessing magew’s heels are higher than his standards. he needs to focus on improving himself (maybe starting with better strategy calls with the team) before he should go out and date. in addition, he’s so rude nowadays, like cutting off poor yuki. i dunno, that just makes me feel so bad for yuki-san. “no one was listening anyways” 😭🤧 like in general, i think he lacks social awareness.

all in all, i think lando cares too much about his “cool playboy” appearance and money. he really just needs to grow up and focus on himself first, because right now, he’s the same as red flagui, almost. they both need to grow up, and lando’s completely forgotten how he used to be, and now he’s so rude and totally different. as a lando fan, it’s so disappointing, especially since he’s been getting good results now. - 🧋

Hi ����🏻

No problem love to read your thoughts ❤️

[ham-st4r]

NAH IM DONE WITH "ENGENES" (im looking at yall k-enegnes specfically)

WHY THE FUCK IS IT whenever enhypen releases new music, content, at a concert, fuck even breathe that these fake ass fuckers have the need to say something so shit to our boys LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS UR PROBLEM U STANKY ASS BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY ARE DOING SO MUCH FOR US

if they have so much problem just fucking leave man no need to stay. I feel like atp they are just there for the fan service. The day enhypen stops doing that is the day we all have true engenes that can vibe together fr fr.

On god bro like damn I was literally just thinking about that shit these boys are working fucking overtime (I know they chose to be idols) like back to back tours two hour long shows send off soundcheck new music back to back like what more could you want? Not to mention all the other little side projects they do They’re unproblematic but somehow “engenes” still got shit to say? They have been harassed threatened named called and everything else under the sun but yet people still got shit to say it’s outrageous

And fuck don’t even get me started on the member favoritism holy hot damn the fact that people are singling out members and based off looks or fan service really just grinds my gears like I love heeseung with my whole entire heart but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna bash sunghoon or call jay ugly like tf be for real right now

I have zero respect for people who talk about them like that and try to claim their “engenes” not to mention all the weird fan interactions they have to endure but god forbid they meet an engene in Japan and hug them then all hell has to break loose

There’s just so much more I have to say and honestly I could write 10k words on the topic alone

Not to mention people only talk about their visuals like they are more then their visuals they make incredible music and have some of the most unique voices in kpop that I’ve heard but still everytime you see a post about them it’s about heeseung’s visuals or some nonsense (not saying there aren’t post that praise them) but for the most part I really see post about that which in my opinion is meaningless like yes they are attractive young men (I only look at heeseung btw lol) but they are more than that honestly they deserve respect cause they have done nothing but work hard to put out greatness for us so we should appreciate it they’re always active (especially jungwon)

And the fan service and other engenes being jealous of that girl who did the go big or go home dance on the big screen in Dallas I think it was people literally stalked her account and went years back to find out she was saying the N word and they started dogging her for it (I hate when people use that word) but still to drag her like that was scary and crazy all just because the boys watched her on screen I can assure that the fans are thinking about her more than enhypen so I don’t get where all the jealousy comes in from yeah I wish I got noticed on the big screen but I’m not gonna throw hate at someone just cause she did and I didn’t (and maybe that’s cause they did see me in the crowd why I’m not jealous) but even still that’s too far I understand being jealous but not to the extent of tracking someone’s account down thats actually (if it’s true I just heard this somewhere on tiktok I think) but yeah there’s so much to say and it’s all negative I’m embarrassed that I’m even associated with them by being an engene but sadly there’s nothing I can do but like you said hopefully they will leave and the real engenes will have their time to shine

Another way you can tell those “engenes” are just in it for the members is the fact they are selling their vip1 tickets cause it was said there was going to be no send off (saw it on twitter not sure if this is true either) but if it is that’s crazy like why not just show up and support them without being delusional about it and the fact they walked out last year when enhypen was still performing songs just so they could get close at sendoff like come on it’s just embarrassing atp but anything to get noticed right? Even the members couldn’t stop the “fans” from fighting so that’s how you can tell it’s just a crazed obsession but okay I’m done

For now

[yourdeepestfathoms]

idk if anyone else has said it yet, but i’m feeling bitter right now, so i will (also it’s just always bothered me)

has anyone else ever noticed the difference in fan opinions between Michael and Vanessa?

in many ways, they are VERY similar characters.

they’re both night guards, have been fucked over by William, killed kids, and barely actually show up in the games.

however, Michael is treated like a goddamn king by the fandom, while Vanessa barely gets scraps. she’s regarded as a bitch so often, is hated on constantly, and/or is sometimes flat out ignored or erased from stories entirely.

oh no! a woman is grumpy! she MUST be a bitch!

Vanessa isn’t a bitch. she’s an underpaid security guard that has her entire career on the line throughout the whole game. there’s a loose child in the Pizzaplex. she’s literally trying to do her damn job so she won’t get fired.

more than that, Vanessa is clearly under a severe amount of psychological stress. she’s being mind controlled by a serial child killer to murder people. you’re telling me you also wouldn’t be in a constant bad mood if that was your life?? and even if you don’t think Vanessa is Vanny, Vanessa STILL has mental health issues. that much is proven by the therapy tapes (i think it’s canon that she has depression and anxiety? and maybe PTSD? i can’t remember; it’s been awhile since i was hyperfixated on this game). god forbid a person, a woman no less, shows the negative aspects of their mental illness!

like, depression, anxiety, AND PTSD all cause irritability and anger issues. anxiety literally triggers your fight or flight, and not everyone automatically cowers into their flight instinct. PTSD has a little something called “hyperarousal,” which is a constant state of anger.

but okay, mental health issues can’t be used as an excuse for things, alright. it’s still late at night. people get irritable and cranky the more they stay up. lack of sleep causes aggression.

but really, none of that matters because Vanessa is justified in her grouchiness through the entire game since, again, she’s doing her job.

and it’s not even like she says or does anything that bad! i’ve seen people treat her like she’s some kind of monster, and for what? because she made a hollow threat about scrapping Freddy?? it was, like, two in the morning, people! people say things they don’t mean when they’re 1) tired and 2) emotional. and we all know she doesn’t have the authority to do that, so she wouldn’t actually go through with it.

also need i remind everyone that Vanessa is treated poorly by her OWN CREATOR?? she’s grossly sexualized. we all know what the Vanny suit looks like. it’s skintight. it’s very obviously designed in a way to highlight ALL her curves. Scott did that on purpose. and like,,, why?? she’s a murder bunny. why does she have to be “attractive”?

don’t get me wrong, i like the design for Vanny, i just hate the suit. i love the idea of her looking all patchwork, like Vanessa tore apart different articles of clothing to make the costume because she couldn’t get enough fur, so she could have been this big mess of thick white fur with splashes of a bunch of random materials in between the pelt. that could have easily shown how, like, “unpracticed” she is. it’s a shoddy suit made by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing.

but NOOOO, Scott had to go, “how can i show that she’s a woman who has boobs?!?!??!? how can i bring her boobs into this?!?!?! what about her boobs?!?!?! we can’t forget about her boobs!!!!”

like, dude, we know she has boobs. she’s a killer bunny, not a playboy bunny. let’s not blur the lines, Scott.

you know, it’s really saying something when the plush of a character is less sexualized than the design itself. i own a Vanny plush (it look, like, three months for her to ship), and she looks great! she’s super cute! but, GOD, the DUALITY between her and the actual Vanny is GLARING.

but also, this isn’t anything new. most of Scott’s female characters get the treatment of being sexualized.

it’s just so goddamn frustrating to see male characters get held up on a higher pedestal than female characters. this is an issue in most fandoms. the women are treated like shit. and it’s infuriating.

just— if Vanessa were a guy, people would NOT treat her the way they do. and if she were a man, Vanny’s suit would have been less sexualized and more like an actual animal suit.

[polyamorouspunk]

vent / crush stuff / jealousy idfk i was crying and now im pissed

i just got indirectly rejected by my crush *again* and im fucking miserable. and when i say indirectly i mean i did Not fucking initiate this im not like. repeatedly flirting w him or coming on to him despte him saying no. i never really have in the first place. my stupid fucking friends made another joke about us and he made it so clear that the chances of Us are in the fucking negative. Great. not like i didnt already *know* but fucking. great.

sometimes im so fucking resentful of my girlfriend. she realized she liked him after i did and started dating him a few months later which is a *feat* considering hes on the aromantic spectrum. shes just That fucking special i guess. shes white, blonde, oh so fragile, passes near perfectly, feminine, and is conventionally attractive in almost every way. everything i resent myself for not being. everyone and their mother is fucking enamored with her because shes cute and acts all blushy and shit. when *she* has a crush, its not seen as a threat, and everyone wants to help her. i thought *i* could try out the fluttery and lovesick routine for once a few months ago but i had to stop bc talking abt my crush was only causing problems, including the fact that she got jealous abt us being good friends, despite yk *her being the one dating him* :))))))

god i wish i could be content with the friendship we have. i think friendship can be just important as romance or more but thats really hard to actually GET in the real fuckin world because society is so obsessed wih amatonormativity. the one example i had of irl super valuable platonic love was my gf and... someone shes now started dating 🙃. (someone whos made her strong boundaries against romance SUPER clear in the past! but i guess! my gf! is that fucking special!!)

there is no fucking hope for me. i dont even care abt kissing and shit. i just want physical affection and to be valued highly by someone. i want to be able to say i love you. why the hell is that not allowed.

ughh. super long ask. thanks for reading it.

I’m so sorry that sounds awful. Have you tried talking to either of them about it without admitting it’s because you have feelings for him? I mean I would hope that any decent friend/partner would respect if you don’t like any kind of joke they make, in a romantic sense or not.

There’s a reason I’ve never dated anyone else polyam before and that’s been my jealousy issues, so I get the idea of resenting your partner for having something you want but can’t have, and I’m really sorry.

And if you like someone romantically it can be hard to be happy with something platonic, and there’s no shame in that! Because, yeah, as much as we preach that friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, but you’re right how much is that actually the case, as much as we say it should be? There’s a push for it for a reason: it’s not the norm.

I hope things change and get better for you in one way or another.

[mxtxfanatic]

Heya! I saw your posts on 2ha, and I’m curious – did the latter half of the novel influence your opinion of Mo Ran much from where he is at the beginning of the Mo Ran 2.0 arc? I’ve read a little over the first half of 2ha, and despite experiencing the 2.0 version of Mo Ran and being spoiled about what caused him to behave the way he did as Taxian-jun, I still really can’t bring myself to like him much. I think that the sheer degree of vile behavior he exhibited before and - more saliently for me - the way he still routinely reminisces on the things he did to CW even in the 2.0 arc is what’s making it hard.

It was certainly easier to accept his transformation into a better person knowing how constrained he was in his previous life, but it felt deeply incongruent to still read him reminiscing on how he forced CW through a very erotic lens while ostensibly being a better person. I very much believe that it’s never too late to decide to become a better person, even if your actions had previously been entirely under your control, so it’s not that I think he can’t or shouldn’t be redeemed. It just kinda felt like he doesn’t fully internalize how messed up it was to hurt CW to way he did? He did have that period during CW’s death where he had this grief and regretti arc, but his day-to-day feelings on his past sexual actions towards CW didn’t actually seem to change much beyond not wanting to continue hurting him. Even though he’s in love with him and very attracted to him, wouldn’t he have some sort of negative reaction to dwelling on memories where CW was just being hurt or chemically coerced instead of finding them sexy?

Reason I ask is that if that gets better as the book goes on, I might go ahead and finish it, but right now I really struggle to support their relationship. Just wanted to hear how other people came to fully accept Mo Ran in the chance that I might be able to see what everyone else does. Thanks!

So the thing about being able to accept Mo Ran’s transition from 0.5 to 2.0 is that you have to actually read it. There are 3,500 pages in the main story, and all of it is used to show this transformation of his character. Being spoiled to why he acts the way that he does doesn’t do justice to seeing how he eventually changes.

I don’t know exactly where you stopped in your reading, and I read 2ha early last year so it’s not the most recent read to me, but the Mo Ran 2.0 that I read most definitely struggled with his attraction to Chu Wanning, knowing his past actions towards the man. Yeah Mo Ran desires him, but his only experiences with sexual desire are violent, and a good like 1,000 pages is dedicated to him thinking that it is morally wrong and also physically impossible to love someone both romantically and sexually because his former (younger?) self could only express his interest (warped by ____) in cwn through sexual violence. He very much so looks on his past sex life with cwn with extreme guilt and regret. And this isn’t even getting into the fact that cwn thinks that his memories from the other world are actually just kinky sex dreams, so he doesn’t have this same dilemma, and also, he isn’t the cwn who experienced all those things.

The story convinced me of this couple because Mo Ran’s character growth was believable to me, his desire to atone for his actions fit his character, the cwn he eventually gets with is not the cwn he treated terribly, and both cwn’s forgave Mo Ran for believable reasons as well. You can choose to stop where you are, anon, or continue reading to the end; I don’t know if the narrative will convince you as it has me. But the sexual relationship of ranwan is most definitely a sight of emotional tension, conflict, and growth for both characters.

[adleryoung]

As I stared at the ceiling, I remembered Vernier telling me how every time she tried to help someone it always ended in disaster. I recalled what I said to her then, that she had only focused on the negative and forgot about all the times she had successfully helped people. If she could see me right now, she would probably repeat my advice back to me. As much as I would have liked to stay in bed and wallow in self-pity, I could in fact recall plenty of times when I tried to help someone and it didn’t spiral into disaster. Most of those were trivial and small in scope, but it proved I wasn't as cursed as my moping mind would like to believe.

The argument outside began to increase in volume - or was that just my head starting to clear? Either way, I needed to intervene. I had caused this problem (abetted by Burnside being too excited to give me a chance to object) so it was up to me to set things right. Plus, now that a potential love triangle had been established, I had to make sure that Burnside wouldn’t do something typically Burnside-esque involving knives and her romantic rival. I took a deep breath and sat up in the bed.

"Your Lordthip!" Basil objected. "Thould you be getting out of bed tho thoon? It’th only been an hour and you looked like you were nearly mauled to death by a wild animal."

"You were also mumbling in your sleep," Harriet added, "about things that sounded very distressing."

"I’ve survived worse than this," I rasped, my voice still raw. "And you needn't worry about my nightmares. Elves do not need to sleep often. When we do, the subconscious runs rampant. I must get out there and calm those two down before something bad happens. You youngsters had best stay in here until you hear the All Clear."

I stumbled to the door and opened it to see Rebecca and Burnside in the midst of a shouting match.

"He was screaming his head off the entire time," Rebecca bellowed, "and you never once thought to stop and make sure he was okay??"

"That’s normal!" Burnside insisted. "Every mel I ever treated to my super-special brand o' Wiles an venery has screamed with pure unbridled ecstasy!"

"Ecstasy or terror?" Rebecca demanded.

"Is there a difference?"

"Who on Earth uses a dagger for venery?? Did you even once ask him if he was okay with it?"

"He’s a grownup! If he wanted to stop he coulda said so!"

"How was he supposed to do that when there was a knife at his throat??"

"It was only there half the time!"

"Yeah, and the other half you were using it to -"

I tried to firmly clear my throat to get their attention, but only managed to produce a thin, wheezing cough. Both femmes turned to look at me in surprise.

“My lord!" Rebecca exclaimed. "Are you sure you should be out of bed so soon? You sounded delirious when we tucked you in.”

"I’ll be fine," I assured her. "Let me say right off that although it may look bad that I had venery with Burnside right after you left, it was in no way reflective of my feelings toward you, nor a deliberate spurning of your affections."

"Well, yes," Rebecca interjected before I could continue. "I was a little upset about that, but what infuriates me more is the fact that Burnside nearly mauled you to death."

"Your concern is appreciated," I affirmed, "but that is something I must discuss with Burnside myself. Now that she is officially in the employ of the Imperial crown, there are codes of conduct she must adhere to."

I gave Burnside a stern look, and was surprised to see her flatten her ears against her head and look remorseful. I only recalled seeing her like that when she was under the influence of some Unseelie narcotic, and when I threatened her with fearsome punishments.

"She told me that you made her your concubine," Rebecca continued. "Does that mean-?"

"As High King, what I have decreed stands. I find you quite attractive, Rebecca, but for the time being it would be a gross abuse of my position as your teacher and mentor to act upon my baser impulses. What has happened today was just unfortunate timing. We shall discuss it further when everyone’s temper has cooled."

I could feel the tension lift after I said that. Why then didn't I feel any better? Rebecca still looked unhappy, but she wasn't angry anymore. Burnside looked embarrassed and mildly ashamed. I would need to spend time with each of them one-on-one later. How did my predecessors keep up with whole harems of Floozies? Just these two were difficult enough! But somehow, surprisingly it seems I actually managed to calm them both down. We had a long journey ahead of us, and hopefully there would be time on the road to have a good talk with each of them.

[sheismo]

ꕥ Things I’m working on BIG right now. ꕥ ﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

➩ “Your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.” - T.Harv Erek

I must stay locked in & focused on my self preservation.

➛ Ps : I thought I’d share & it’ll maybe help someone else on their self growth journey. This is solely a post for me to hold myself accountable & to motivate others. These objectives are meant to be used to create a better quality of LIFE & to form a deeper understanding of self. My use of the term “we” to make the context relatable

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 : 𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝑷𝒐𝒔𝒕 !

Take what applies. ✓. ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ꜱʜᴀʀᴇ. - Mo ❁

❍ Actively listening & observing more + controlling responses & avoiding conflict.👂

- We sometimes speak too much and already have a response before someone else is done speaking. I have recognized this is toxic behavior in my life. I’ve been committed to allowing people to speak .. “digest it” & then respond. Active listening is important and allows quality conversation. Also by being more “quite” & being a good listener we’re able to analyze situations better for ourself & others. Speaking vastly can cause conflict & raw emotions.

✵ We must observe our surroundings & watch the energy(body language,tone & ei.)of others and reflect on our own energy too. Observations can help with decisions making & recognizing the quality of ourselves & others. We must know who is & isn’t for us as we observe as well iykyk.

❍ Acknowledging self character flaws & insecurities. 🪞

- We sometimes get so wrapped up in our ego we forget how detrimental it can be to our character,spirits and lives. It can literally change our perception of others and how we see life/world. We are mirrors of our spirit. Negative talk & judgment stains our souls. One’s negative thoughts and words are mostly the reflection of their own insecurities. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I have committed myself to stop negative talk of others and about life in general. I have begun replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. No, you cannot control every thought it or every word you speak but correct yourself both mentally and verbally. Switch topics in conversations too if necessary.

❍ Remaining teachable. 🧠

- Educating yourself is key to success. We sometimes shut down ideas & concepts before seeking our own knowledge. We also sometimes can get cocky when we feel like we have acquired knowledge others have not. There’s goes that stank ego again lol. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I’ve committed myself to staying teachable. This goes hand and hand with actively listen & observing. Being around the right people or being at the right place at the right time may help you obtain a great quantity of knowledge. I am committed to being open minded & getting a deeper understanding of things that intrigue me.

❍ Breaking habits + creating a routine & staying productive. 📒

- Being late. Going to bed whenever. Eating whatever. Laying around excessively . Allowing work & chores to pile up. All are toxic traits. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I’m on a mission to improve my morale. I want to be on point and on schedule as much as possible. And no each day my schedule won’t be the same but I want to feel like conquered the day at the end of each day. I’m committed to feeling confidence in my daily productivity & discipline. To get things done by keeping my word to myself is important to me right now. Being extra about what your putting in your body or what you’re in need of to better yourself daily is OKAY. Having good time management,eating better,journaling,meditating ,praying & exercising has been proven to be beneficial for a better quality of life & attracting good things. I’m also trying to find hobbies that feed my interest & imagination. I’m in the process of creating my muse. 🧚🏾‍♂️

✵ Staying locked in with productivity and breaking toxic daily habits is a KEY component to self preservation. You begin to see your life transform externally. Staying determined will shows your willingness for growth.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

✵ Learning communication skills,code switching & having confidence in words & your essence is important as well. You’ll be able to knowledge in certain settings.

❍ Having grace & understanding.⭐️

- We sometimes shutdown & become cold when it comes to other people. We tend to become so harsh and manic when we’re trigged. We allow our emotions and triggers to control the essence of our interactions and relationships. It’s a lack of emotional intelligence & our egos,yet again put us in uncomfortable situations which uproars both our minds & hearts. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I am committed to giving people grace and having a more understanding heart. I’m taking nothing personal. Now,this doesn’t mean I’m just letting g anything slide or just being forgiving of every little thing. Nope. ✘ What I mean is that I am understanding that we are human. We all make mistakes & nobody is perfect. Reflect on times you were in the wrong & reminding yourself that you too needed grace at times is what gets you here. I’ve come to an understanding that must people haven’t done any self “work/healing” so their actions and words don’t match up to their true feelings & heart. Most importantly someone’s words and actions should not interfere with your growth & life. If someone’s words and actions are making you mishandle your emotions consider parting ways. I am learning the importance of forgiveness for MYSELF & learning to set boundaries if necessary. It’s beautiful to have no enemies or hatred towards anyone . It’s beautiful to feel kindness in your spirit.

❍ Expressing gratitude & thinking positively + enjoying the fruits of labour.💐🌹

-We are sometimes so ungrateful and too suck on what we don’t have and what we need in order to feel fulfillment. We complain and stress over things excessively & it makes us unhappy with our lives even when have so many things we should be thankful for. We are too critical of ourselves. We nitpick everything & don’t giving ourselves the credit and love we deserve. We also over work ourselves & become too consumed with our day to day lives. I have recognized this as toxic behavior in my life. I am committed to expressing gratitude to anyone who supports me & of course the most high. I’m understanding that everything in life doesn’t have to be perfect & I don’t have to have everything I want & need to feel satisfied. I must appreciate the small and simple things. Comparison to my old life instead of other people’s lives has been my REMINDER of how good I really got it although I don’t have it all yet. Expressing gratitude is good for my mental health as well. It keeps me humble & grounded in my blessings. I’m a firm believer that expressing extreme gratitude allows your blessings to relish profusely. I am also committed to taking days off,going on vacation,doing self care & just basking in my blessings. ✨

[thehmn]

A few months ago I had a conversation with a rather famous Norwegian comic artist who’s only partly out as queer at the moment so I’ll leave their name out, but we had an interesting conversation about the word queer and what it means to people who only have English as their second language.

To give some context, they are a non-binary person who is technically bisexual but think of themselves more as a lesbian because they were assigned female at birth and largely dress in feminine clothes and is only interested in having a relationship, sexual or romantic, with women but has the capacity to be attacked to men.

If people ask me what my gender/sexuality is I’ll just say cis straight female because I largely look and dress female and is only sexually attracted to men, but if you want the ridiculous detailed version it’s intersex, assigned female at birth but with no strong gender identity, biromantic demisexual, masculine attracted, and the fact that I’m intersex and therefor look, sound and act more masculine than most women does have an effect on the men I’ve had sex with because as one guy put it “I know it’s a weird thought but it kinda feel like…a quarter gay”. But nobody wants to listen to all that.

I have a close asexual friend who was assigned female at birth and goes by she/her but wants to look like a man so is now on testosterone and had a mastectomy and at this point look and sound so male people sometimes just refer to her as he/him without even asking because even though it’s still very obvious she was born female and dress in women’s clothes people just assume she’s trans. She doesn’t always correct them because it feels awkward but it has caused trouble because her old friends still call her she/her (we’ve all asked and told her to tell us if that changes) and if we call her that in front of people who call her he/him they can get angry with us because they assume we don’t respect her. But like she told me “I don’t know what to call myself because I want to be a woman who looks like a man”

None of us really feel we fit in an easily defined category, which makes queer such a wonderful word to us. While we are aware that it is sometimes used as a slur, we mostly know it from old British tv shows where it’s used to mean “odd” at worst. “Look at him eating only apples for breakfast. He’s quite the queer fellow”. It’s like the word gay to us. We know it has been used as a slur but that hasn’t made it a bad word to never be used, and honestly we don’t know what else to call ourselves.

We could take one thing about ourselves and focus on that like intersex, asexual and non-binary, but that would neglect all the other stuff and place us firmly in a box with expectations that doesn’t fit the rest.

So while we understand why “queer” is like nails on a chalkboard to some, to “odd” people like us queer feels just right and doesn’t have the same negative feelings associated with it that some English speakers might have.

[erin-bo-berin]

if this doesn't follow your intentions for these stories plz ignore it lol .... ok Dad Steve x SingleTeenMom!Reader where is she a little insecure about having sex with Steve after pregnancy because of all the changes her body has had and afraid of him losing interest in her or something? I think it's such a real scenario as a mother.

I absolutely love this idea. I’ll try not to make it too sappy, but I honestly feel Steve is such a sweetheart (and since we know he has a breeding kink and wants kids) I feel like he’d worship his girl’s body no matter what stage it was in—from pre-pregnancy to during pregnancy and afterwards. Cause he’s just amazed that your body has done it all.

But I would love to write this. I’ve obviously not been through this myself, so I hope I do it justice.

Also, if there are any mothers who are reading this blurb/fic and have felt this way or are, I just want to let you know you’re badass and beautiful. ❤️

Warnings: Body image issues and self doubt, postpartum body, also some light smut towards the end

(Please do not read if you aren’t in the proper head space. Even if you have to save it and come back to it later, please do so. I don’t want anyone to read anything that could negatively affect their mental health hence this warning)

This is part of the Dad Steve x SingleTeenMom!Reader universe. If you’d like to read more of the series, you can find them all on my MASTERLIST

It had been close to four years since you’d been through postpartum with Abbie. You’d also been a teenager then.

You stood in front of the full length mirror and gazed at your belly. It’d only been two months since you’d delivered Arabella, but you couldn’t help but feel disappointed in what you saw.

Your stomach still looked like a deflated balloon and you knew even when it returned to normal, you’d have a pooch. It hadn’t been as noticeable after Abbie, but now, two kids in, you expected it.

You still had fading stretch marks, some now silvery white from where your precious baby had stretched the skin. Logically, you knew you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself or your body—you’d brought two amazing girls into the world, after all—but your mind kept spitting out doubts that just wouldn’t go away.

What if Steve didn’t find you attractive anymore?

What if he didn’t even want to have sex with you anymore?

You’d been in the midst of getting dressed, still in your bra and underwear, when you caught a glimpse of yourself. That’s how you ended up in front of the mirror, criticizing everything you saw.

It was only when Steve exited the bathroom a few minutes later that you pulled your gaze away from the mirror, trying to cover yourself self-consciously.

His hair was damp, a towel tied around his waist, droplets of water still scattered over his shoulders and collarbones.

“Since when are you shy?” he teased, lovingly.

When you didn’t joke back, your eyes falling from his, he grew concerned.

“What is it, baby?”

He came up behind you, wrapping his arms around you from behind, moving your arms out of the way. His chin rested on top of your head as he gazed at the same reflection you saw.

But what he saw was so much different than your perception of your body.

“I’m just not feeling the most confident right now, I suppose,” you sighed, “I’m bloated, my stomach looks look like a wrinkly, deflated pumpkin left out too long after Halloween and I have stretch marks.”

“It’s only been, what? Two months since you’ve given birth?”

“Yeah. It’s just, I don’t look as good as you’re used to. I don’t want you to be disappointed or…” you trailed off, “Not be attracted to me anymore. Not even want to touch me anymore.”

“That’s impossible, Y/N. You’re just as beautiful as the day I met you—even more so,” he said with a serious face.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” you mumbled.

“I absolutely am not,” came his stern reply.

His hands gently came around to caress your still healing stomach.

“This here? This is recovering from bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world. Our daughter. It took it nine months for it to grow, it will take some time for it to return to normal, even then, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, baby.”

His fingers splayed across it, looking at your reflection, looking eyes with you.

“You may not be happy with it—which I understand why, I’m not saying you have no right to feel that way, but your body makes me happy. It reminds me of all it’s went through, Y/N,” he whispered, “How it can change and form and all it can take.”

He didn’t pause to let you speak before continuing.

“Your body is amazing. It can stretch and with take me inside you,” he smirked, running a finger up your side, “It can stretch and grow a whole ‘nother human being and it can bring that life into the world. Then it can heal and nourish our baby, helping her grow into a strong little girl and that is fucking beautiful. You’re superwoman in my eyes, baby.”

“I don’t care if you always have stretch marks or if they go away. It doesn’t matter one bit if your belly isn’t as “perfect” as it once was. I will love you no matter what. You’re so much more than your body, sweetheart, but if I do say so myself, your body is incredible—pre, during and post-pregnancy.”

Tears were now streaming down your face, purging all the self-deprecating thoughts you’d been having about yourself. They were freeing, happy tears, ones that came from Steve’s sweet words. You knew he meant each and everyone of them too.

They were tears of sadness too because yes, it was possible your body might forever be altered from pregnancy, but, that didn’t matter as much as it did earlier. Steve was right, you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself, especially when your body was still recovering.

Most of all, the tears were healing. Ones that made you realize you deserved to be nicer to yourself. Even if they were reminders that stayed around for only a short time, they were reminders of the gift of your daughter.

“One more thing,” he whispered, voice rough and a tad raspy.

“Hmm?” you asked, hands coming up to rest over his.

“There’s no way I’ll never be turned on by you,” he mumbled.

You felt the brush against your back of his arousal, through the towel and blushed, a small smile on your lips.

“You drive me crazy, I hope you know that,” he chuckled, kissing the top of your head, “Also, didn’t your doctor said we only had to wait six weeks?”

“Mhm,” you answered.

He was dragging you backwards to the bed, a smirk on his face.

“And how long has it been?”

“Eight weeks,” you whispered.

“Then I think it’s high time I get to worship your body again, properly,” he muttered, pulling your face to his.

His towel fell, discarded to the floor and soon your matching undergarment set followed. Before he did anything though, he kissed each and everyone of your stretch marks that still remained on your belly.

“You’re beautiful and I hope you know that,” he whispered, reminding you.

When he made love to you, his words were full of love and appreciation; your heart just as full of both for him, as well.